Angheiz.

9/11

2010-09-11T08:46:00.000-04:00

It's September 11th. I'm not going to dwell on the country's biggest terrorist attack and the devastation it left behind (although I'm sure I'll watch anything the History channel has to offer on the topic).

When it happened, I was oblivious. I was actually torturing mice in our research facility and had no contact with the outside world. I guess I'm a mouse terrorist. I was snipping tails for DNA analysis and tagging ears (basically giving them earrings with ID numbers on it). When I came back downstairs to my desk, my husband called to tell me the country was under attack. I could barely believe it. It's one of those moments that you always remember where you were, like the assassination of JFK (not born), and the Challenger disaster (Mrs. Murray's first grade class, watching the explosion on TV). We went down to the big lecture hall and they put CBS News on the big screen. It really did look a bit like a movie, and watching it with a big audience make it even more so. I remember a friend yelling because Dan Rather was talking as if the World Trade Center was still standing when it had clearly fell.

I got freaked out. Period. End of sentence. I cut out of work early, as I was nearly 22, immature, and liked to do that. Quite often. I watched the coverage on TV the rest of the day, just pausing long enough to call my mom so she could call my uncle and make sure my cousin wasn't traveling that day. So much has changed since then.

My then boyfriend, now husband, worked at Delta Air Lines then. He spent the next few days while the flights were grounded guarding airplanes. I ask you: what could he have done if a terrorist did try to steal one of the planes? Throw his cell phone at them? A year later, he got laid off, as a lot of people did. The terror attacks really did have far reaching effects, big and small.

Sixteen days after the attacks, my uncle died in his sleep.

Since 9/11, I've gotten married, had three kids, and am a completely different person.

Something to think about: What would those 2,977 killed in the attacks be today? Would one of them have become President? Would one have invented the cure to cancer? How many children would have been born to those people?

Every person is someone. Every person means something. Treat others like you want to be treated, and be nice to people. Tell your family and friends you love them, because you never know when they'll be gone.

One of my favorite books:

5QF

2010-09-10T13:48:00.004-04:00

There's something in the blogosphere called Five Question Friday. A group of bloggers thinks of 5 questions, and then anybody who wants to links up on their blog.

So, here goes:

1. Do you feel guilty spending money on yourself?

Uh, yeah. Doesn't mean I won't. If I have money, I tend to spend it on the kids, as they ALWAYS need stuff. I can't feel guilty about that, because they need clothes and school supplies and whatnot. The only time I really blow money though is when we eat out because I'm a lazy ass. I guess in that respect, I spend money on myself. And eat it.

2. How well do you know your neighbors?

I don't really know them that well at all. I know the names of the people in two of the five houses around us. I've done a background check, in that I've checked sex offender registries. As long as they don't bother me, I won't irrationally call the cops on them for bouncing a basketball after 9 pm. Twice.

3. What age are you looking forward to being?

I think around 60. At that age, I will have grandchildren to spoil and send home to their parents. I hope that they put their parents through what they put us through right now. Because payback is a nasty bitch.

4. Do you get excited when the mail comes? Why?

I used to, but that was when I could afford magazine subscriptions, and could catch up on Britney Spears news for the week. Thank god I have the internet now, or I would be totally lost in the world of celebudrama. Now, the mail just consists of junk and bills and crap.

5. What is your earliest childhood memory?

Walking around our neighborhood barefoot with a fresh tomato from the garden and a salt shaker. Told ya I was country.

Bathtime.

2010-09-09T14:55:00.002-04:00

Last month, Russ went on a new schedule. He used to work from 5 am to 3 pm four days a week (do the math - it equals 40 hours). Now he works 12:30-9:30. Every. Single. Day. This new schedule is what has prompted us to sell our house. If he's not going to be home at night anyway, what does it matter if he gets home at 9:45 or 10:15? It can make a difference when the kids and I don't get home until 7:15, when we could be home by 6:15.

Once we move, I'll gratefully have more time each night with the kids. My parents feed them during my summer hours (and I love them for it!), but when the marina goes to winter hours and I get off work an hour earlier, I'll have to cook dinner for everybody (and considering we'll be 15 minutes from any fast food we will definitely eat healthy and cheaply). Then we'll have to work on Quinn's homework, and the big time vortex: baths.

Now, cleanliness is next to godliness. In my girls' case, based on the amount of time they end up staying in the water, we might as well call them Aphrodite and Athena. Coop is efficient. He likes to get in, splash a couple of minutes, wash, and be nice and cozy with his graham crackers while he curls up on the couch watching some sports. You think I'm kidding. I'm not. Have you met his father?

The girls are a completely different story. They want to pretend they're swimming. They want to play with their bathtub Barbies (in full scuba gear) and their squirt toys. It is guaranteed that they will fight at some point in their sea trek. They spend FOREVER washing, but somehow always miss the chocolate smeared around their mouth and the dirt on their toes. After at least a half an hour, they finally allow me to wash their hair. Granted, they could try to do it themselves, but no one needs to see that. The amount of soap left in their hair after a bath would be ridonkulous.

Speaking of soap...

The other night, I plopped all three kids in the tub. Yes, I make them all bathe together. Quinn tried to pull the whole, "I'm big enough to take a bath by myself, now that I'm a first grader." After one bath, she realized that she was lonely. We're environmentalists. We save water. Actually, we're just lazy and try to wash three birds with one vat of water. So, I bathed Coop, left the half-full (optimism) bottle of baby soap on the tub ledge, and took him out to the living room to get him dressed and comb his beatnik hair (my father's phrase, not mine). Now, I know you're not supposed to leave kids alone in the bathtub. However, my girls are 6 and 3. They both go down water slides in the city pool. I'm not terribly concerned with them drowning in our bathtub when they're together. So, I did some chores while Coop played. I did some dishes. "Are you girls ready for me to wash you?" They answered, "Not yet!" I ran down and did some laundry. They still weren't ready. I hung up clothes, and they still weren't ready. After 20 minutes, I decided for them that they were ready. When I opened the bathroom what did I find, but an entire tub filled with raspberry scented bubbles, and two girls covered in soap.

I yelled, "What did you two DO?!?!?!"

Zoey sweetly replied, "We ran out of soap, Mommy."

Bug.

2010-09-08T15:54:00.002-04:00

The marina I work at is 70 acres. When my boss takes his huge-ass front loader to some far reaches of the property and wants to leave it there to do more work, one of us has to go pick him up and drive him to his car. Yesterday? My turn.

Do you know how disconcerting it is to drive straight up a 70 degree hill with someone yelling "Floor it!"? It's a little tricky, not to mention the prospect of your van flipping over and falling into a 20 acre lake. Maybe that's just my wackadoodle brain that kind of thought runs through, but I almost peed my pants.

As I drove through the field to pick him up, I (and my poor Town and Country) was bombarded with crickets and grasshoppers. I use the word AND because I didn't pay as much attention in Ecology and Physiology as I should have, and can't really tell the difference between them. To be honest, it could have been some weird mutant hybrid between the two. Perhaps I should have rolled up the windows, but that would have taken actual thought, which was not possible as my brain was focused on not getting my van stuck three feet from the river.

I dropped off the boss, and went to my parents' house to pick up my two youngest. On the ride back home to pick up my oldest from my cousin, Zoey was remarkably quiet. I didn't hear about Cooey or Suey, or Kenna and Chloe (BTW - thank God we're moving. We're going to need more bedrooms for all of these imaginary friends). When we got to my cousin's complex, I went around the van to let her out, and I realized that she was quiet because she was frozen in abject terror.

Me: What's the matter, ZoZo?

Zoey: Dere's a bug in here. It wooking at me.

There was a crickethopper (mutant hybrid, remember?) on the back of the seat in front of her, and it was, in fact, wooking...er....looking at her. She refused to get out until I smooshed it.

Takehome message? When driving through a big field with crickethoppers, roll up the windows.

Inefficiency

2010-09-07T17:36:00.003-04:00

I am what I like to call an inefficient blogger. I have all these ideas that I'd like to write about. The unfortunate thing is that they pop into my head at the most inopportune times, like when I'm half asleep at night, or I'm in the middle of changing a diaper. I've tried writing down my ideas, but then I lose the little scrap of paper or I can't read my own handwriting. Or I can read it, but I can't figure out what the hell I meant (if anyone can decipher "Hoarder vasectomies," I'd appreciate it.

I have a blackberry, and there's an app for that! Well, not really, but there's a little post it section in my phone, where I keep blog topics. Unfortunately, I don't pay attention to that either, since I just discovered a post-it of blog topics from Cooper's birth. He's almost 14 months old. I'm really on the ball, huh? By the way, did I ever tell you about when I was in the hospital with him and my maternity ward neighbor dropped her newborn on the floor when she fell asleep holding her? Uh-huh. That. Just. Happened. Well, it happened back then.

And then there's that pesky conscience of mine. I get good and pissed off over something, but then my conscience (I'll call her Constance) has to stick her big nose into my bizness. Constance likes to remind me that if I tell that story about how so-and-so was a complete you-know-what, that maybe you-know-who could make my life a living hell. Or that if I tell the story that really embarrasses Quinn on the internet that it could live on the Internet for years to come and might make her first boyfriend dump her. Hmmm....I worry about her and boys. Maybe I should tell it? Constance is a pain in my ass. Suck it, Constance. Suck it hard.

I'm really not sure how to find that happy medium. Can I write about you? Can I not? Is that too much information? Will anyone find it amusing or thought-provoking? Anyway, I'm sure going to try to write more, and if anyone knows how to kill a conscience, I'm in.

Stats

2010-09-07T17:09:00.004-04:00

How long have I been gone from this blog, anyway?

I log on, and now I can look at my comments all in one spot. WTF? Blogger making things easy on moi?

I can see who is linking to my blog. Thank you www.scarymommy.com. Never heard of you, but I will totally read you from now on. Kudos.

One of you is using a Mac. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Don't try to infect all of us Windows people with your non-CTRL-ALT-DEL bragging.

And more than that, I can see where people are viewing my blog! Where the hell IS Latvia, anyway? Is that one of those new countries they're teaching the kids about? Ooh, I even have a reader in Alaska. What do you want to bet it's Bristol Palin? Girlfriend, way to go in kicking Levi to the curb, but make sure you don't show ye olde baby maker in those Dancing with the Stars costumes.

Imaginarium

2010-09-07T16:55:00.004-04:00

I really wish I had more time for blogging. Well, let me be honest with you: I have plenty of time. It's just spent doing stupid things like farming or cooking or clearing land. Lest you think I'm living in a Laura Ingalls Wilder book, I'm just spending entirely too much time on Facebook. Yes, those damn games again.

More so, I'm finding it a little disturbing that the vast majority of my human interaction either comes from children under the age of 6, a septagenarian boss, or through a computer. When I tell my husband a story from my day, I act as if I've actually had a conversation with someone. Nope. Just inferring from their status.

The problem is that I hate the phone, so I'm not going to call so-and-so and see how their day is going. I'm going to comment or poke them. I don't drop in on people, but I may visit their cafe.

Zoey has recently started talking about her friends Suey, Chloe, and Anna. Suey has pink hair. They all live with us, but we've never seen them. I'm guessing because Quinn is at school all day and Zoey is not in preschool anymore, she's inventing friends to play with. Am I really any different? Just because my friends exist? Sure, I can point to their facebook profile, but could I necessarily tell you where they live? No, probably just what network they're in. Could I tell you their phone number? Probably only if it's in their profile.

So, I'm turning over a new leaf. Right now, since I live a half hour away from most of my friends and have to pick my kids up from two different places each night, it just doesn't make sense to hang out with people. It's enough that I remember to shower. HOWEVAH, when we move back to my hometown (good lord willing), I PROMISE that I will socialize. If you people will have me back?

Oh, and I'll write a bit more here and there. As long as it doesn't interfere with my pumpkin harvest.

Tik Tok

2010-05-26T11:55:00.003-04:00

Russ: Zoey! It's a Daddy day!

Zoey: Ugh. It not a Daddy day. It Mommy day.

Russ: Nope. Mommy's going to work; it's a Daddy day!

Zoey: Daddy? Wook at da cwock. What time is it?

Russ: 8:17.

Zoey: Nope. It says right dere. It Mommy day.

Send out the search parties...

2010-05-26T11:06:00.002-04:00

No, I didn't die. I know I've been M.I.A. for almost two months, but it could not be helped. No, I didn't really have much going on, but I needed a break. A big old non-blogging break. I have no excuse, but I can try to make some if it will make you feel better?

We were broke as a joke, which stressed me the eff out. We didn't have our electric shut off or anything, but our phone was "acting up" for a couple of hours (until we paid the bill). It's not that we don't make enough money. We're just completely and utterly irresponsible when it comes to money. We were eating out too much because I was tired and didn't feel like cooking. In a normal person's mind, that means that we should just make sandwiches or nuke a burrito or something, but in Russ' mind (and I'll fess up: mine too), that means the difficult decision between Chipotle and Jimmy John's. To remedy the situation, I hijacked our check cards, and we're not allowed to eat out at all, and I only make one trip to the grocery store per week, which means I have to cook every single meal. It's getting old real quick, but at least our electric bill will be paid, and I won't have to worry about the kids missing Spongebob.

Meanwhile, can I just rant for a moment? Of course I can. This is my blog. I am SO sick of people buying buying BUYING. I get so irritated when I know people make less money than us, but have more stuff. How in the world does someone have a bigger house when they make minimum wage? How are you buying a thousand dollars worth of crap when we're worried about getting groceries in the house? Why is your car newer than ours? Why? I know that I just need to wait it out, because that house will be foreclosed upon, and that car will be repossessed, and most likely, they've put their "crap" on a credit card, and they'll be paying on it for twenty years. And they never have to worry about groceries because they're on food stamps, but DAMN. So fricking irritating. Anyway....back to excuses.

There was Zoey's birthday, which ended up being three different days to accomodate the whole family, and still someone didn't show up, but that's a different story. Between Zoey's birthday in April and Quinn's next week, that increased the money issues.

Because I couldn't spend money, I had to hoard free things, so at the moment I have 41 books out at the library. To keep Russ from making fun of me, I'm trying to actually read every single one of them before they're overdue. He thinks it's sad and pathetic when I have to take 6 unread books back to the library and pay a fine, so I've been spending my time reading constantly.

Then there are all the new features on Facebook Cafe World. Damn you, Zynga. I seriously have no idea why I play stupid role-play games on Facebook. I don't gain anything. I don't win money. Between the reading and the Cafe World, all I gain is a serious case of eye strain, which causes headaches from hell.

I seriously love my kids. I try and spend every minute I can with them, which cuts down on blogging time. Until they start whining because they're tired, or fighting with each other, or trying to drink the dog's water (yeah, that would be Cooper). I used to blog a lot while Coop was napping, but the kid doesn't nap. He never stops moving. NEVER.

I had this brilliant idea. The blog doesn't actually make me any money. Oprah is going off the air next year. I need a new way to get on that damn show (yes, I know it's not ACTUALLY going to happen, but I might as well give it a shot). So I decided to start writing a book, in the vein of Chelsea Handler or Jen Lancaster. I've got a half of a chapter done. And then I took a nap. I had the idea of a whole string of books. The first would be the build-up to our wedding, and then books about my pregnancies and each kid, and of course, they'd be hella funny. But then that also takes drive and ambition, which I severely lack.

Let's see, what else. We found out at Coop's 9 month visit that he went from 70th percentile on weight to the 30th, and he's anemic, so we've been force feeding the poor kid. Every time he comes near us, we have a spoon out or some Cheerios ready. I've also been working on Zoey's hair (that still wasn't growing). The doctor thought she might have alopecia (where it falls out for no reason), but she didn't. Turns out she had cradle cap suffocating the hair follicles, so I'm constantly using dandruff shampoo on her and brushing her hair. Surprisingly, her hair is now growing (thank the lord above). Oh, and we're still working on potty training her. Yes, I know she's three and she should be potty trained. We've explained that to her. We've taken away the diapers and the pull-ups. We've lied to her. My last resort is a new potty seat to put on our toilet. If this doesn't work, I'm going to have to homeschool her, because she doesn't think poop belongs in a potty, and the elementary school disagrees with her.

So, those are my excuses. At least I didn't say my dog ate my laptop. She might have peed in close proximity to it, but she didn't eat it.

Turn around, Zoey.

2010-04-09T16:26:00.002-04:00

The other night while driving home, I glanced in the rearview mirror and spotted Zoey turned around in her car seat. The harness was still on her, but she was facing the wrong direction. Considering that she released the seat belt holding her car seat in place in the last week, causing her to fall off the fricking seat, I panicked a bit.

Me: Zoey! Turn around!

Z: Why, Mommy?

Me: Because if we got into an accident you could be hurt.

Z: You should slow down.

Me: It has nothing to do with that.

Z: DAADDDYYY!!!

Me: I don't know why you're yelling for him. He's on my side.

Z: He on my side.

Me: We'll see about that.

Z: Yeah. We see when we get to my house.

Me: Oh, your house? I thought it was my house.

Z: No. It my house. You just live dere.

I have NO IDEA where she gets her smart mouth.

Brochure request

2010-04-09T16:21:00.002-04:00

Me: Hello.

Crazy Lady: Yes, I just saw your marina's ad in the county magazine.

Me: Oh, we don't have any ads out right now. Was it in the county chamber of commerce?

CL: No. Magazine.

Me: Ooookaayyy....how can I help you today?

CL: Can you send me a brochure?

Me: Sure can. What's your address?

CL: Do you need my phone number?

Me: I don't see why I would. I'm mailing it to you.

CL: So you need my phone number.

Me: Uh no.

CL: (Gives address AND phone number).

Me: Wait. You live in Cleveland?

CL: Yes.

Me: And we're a marina two states away.

CL: Yes. Goodbye.

Maybe I'll call her and tell her to keep dreaming.

401K

2010-04-08T11:00:00.003-04:00

Russ: Zoey, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Quinn: Yeah, Zo. Do you want to be a doctor?

Zoey: No, I gonna be a Zoey.

Me: Well you gotta do something when you grow up. Where are you going to live?

Zoey: I live at home with you, Mommy.

Me: Lord I hope not. What will you do for money Zo?

Zoey: Mommy, you silly. I got my piggy bank.

Who knew that Zoey stealing all of our loose change is actually her retirement plan?

Light dinner reading.

2010-04-08T10:58:00.001-04:00

Quinn: Mommy... Zoey's not eating dinner. She's reading a book.

Me: Quinn, stop tattling.

Quinn: But Mommy....

Me: Stop it Quinn.

Zoey: Me read my book. It says QUINNIE'S NOT EATING EITHER.

Coffee

2010-04-08T10:56:00.001-04:00

Zoey: Mommy, what's that smell? Did you fart?

Me: No, Zoey. I most certainly did not fart. I think you smell my coffee.

Zoey: Your coffee farted?

What's so funny bout peace love & understanding?

2010-03-27T11:29:00.002-04:00

God I love to use an Elvis Costello quote every once in a while.

I believe I have had a breakthrough. Instead of holding anger against people, I have taken a new tack. I'm looking at things from THEIR perspective, instead of just mine and how pissed off I am. It really helps you figure out how things go wrong and keeps you from festering with all the anger and disappointment.

I really hate that there are a couple of people that I don't get along with. It's not an overwhelming thing, but it's one of those things that are always in the back of your mind and just bothers you. You wonder how it happened and what you could have done to cause it and/or stop it. I've finally got the perspective to understand the whole thing.

Someone in the family got upset because I had my two youngest kids within a week of both of her kids' birthdays. I spent a lot of time trying to make everyone understand that I didn't mean to get pregnant at any specific time with my kids (or at all with the third), and how I was offended by anyone saying anything. In the end, what I needed to realize that despite how I felt, if it was the other way around, I would have felt like it was on purpose too, and I should have just apologized, or at least said, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I didn't do it on purpose, but I feel bad that it's turned out that way."

Someone I was friends with back in the day is no longer my friend. We were getting an apartment together with another friend, and while I continued to look, she ended up getting an apartment with her sister, leaving me totally in the lurch. I got pissed off, and we haven't talked since (except for one embarrassing episode where I called her, hoping to be friends again, and she blew me off). Now, with some perspective, I get it. I didn't have a job, and figured I'd just find one once we had an apartment (I figured I wanted to get a job close to where I lived, and we weren't sure where we would be living), and I should have realized that she was scared of signing a year long lease with someone who was seemingly broke with no job prospects. She could have ended up paying all of the bills, which wouldn't have been cool. I understand why she moved in with her sister. That made a hell of a lot more sense.

Someone in the family asked Russ to be his best man at his wedding. It is at a time that's somewhat inconvenient for us because of Quinn being in first grade, and considering we can't pull her out of school at all (she struggles enough in kindergarten), Russ had to say no. That translated to them that Russ was selfish and jealous. We got stuck on trying to defend our stance that we are happy with our life and aren't jealous of anyone, and that we weren't being selfish by looking out for our kids' needs before anyone else's needs. Yesterday, it smacked me in the head. If one of our groomsmen or bridesmaids said when we asked, "No, we can't do it," we would have been badmouthing them for YEARS and probably not talked to them. I get it now. A wedding is supposed to be your day as a couple, and you expect the people you care about to care enough to drop everything to be there for you. That's not saying that we're going to change our priorities. That's just saying I GET IT NOW.

I think if you're having any sort of communication problem with ANYONE, you need to try and look at it from their perspective, and it will give you some insight into what the problem is. What's really the point of trying to be right all the time? You know where you stand and what you did or didn't do. There's no problem with expressing it once or twice, but beating a dead horse with it isn't going to help things. It's alot easier to move past things when you're not trying to be the victor in every fight.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I'm a 30 year old woman!

2010-03-24T14:57:00.005-04:00

A few weeks ago, Russ and some of his friends were going to a new bar to see a band play and have a few beers. One of his friends who was familiar with the bar sent a text to Russ saying, "This is a redneck bar. Don't wear anything that will get us shot." Russ forwarded the text to his friend Gary, who immediately called him and said, "What is he talking? I'M A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN! He can't tell me how to dress. I'M A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN! This is...I'M A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN!"

I don't know why, but it was the funniest thing I've heard in ages. So now, I am constantly using it (because I bite lines).

"No, I'm not getting you a fork. I'M A THIRTY YEAR OLD WOMAN!"

"Get your own damn milk. I'M A THIRTY YEAR OLD WOMAN!"

"You let the dogs out yourself. I'M A THIRTY YEAR OLD WOMAN!"

"Your phone is ringing. I'M A THIRTY YEAR OLD WOMAN!"

It will never end.

Car bed.

2010-03-24T11:43:00.002-04:00

Quinn: Mommy, can I have a sleepover?

Me: Quinn, I have told you a thousand times that you're not sleeping over at Sarah's house. Maybe next year when you're older and a little more responsible.

Quinn: I'm not talking about Sarah.

Me: Well, who else would invite you to sleep over?

Quinn: Logan.

Me: Lo... Logan? The boy who brought you gummy worms last week?

Quinn: Uh-huh.

Me: Well, you're not sleeping over at a boy's house. At least not until you're 25.

Quinn: But he said I can sleep in his car bed with him.

Me: That's what they all say, Quinn. That's what they all say. Then you get there, and it's a Pinto.

Quinn: Huh?

Me: Nevermind. No sleepovers with boys. Period.

You're tweaked.

2010-03-24T11:22:00.003-04:00

Quinn: Mommy, I had a Diet Coke at Sarah's house.

Me: Quinn, are you allowed to have Diet Coke?

Quinn: No....

Me: Are you allowed to have caffeine?

Quinn: No....

Me: Are you allowed to have pop?

Quinn: No...

Me: Then why did you have a Diet Coke?

Quinn: I don't know. I was thirsty. Can I have a sleepover at Sarah's house?

Me: I don't think you're old enough, considering you're not old enough to say, "No thank you. I can't have a Diet Coke."

The rest of the night, Quinn was just TWEAKED on caffeine, bouncing off the walls. I almost sent her back to the neighbors to run off the energy, but then I was afraid she'd have another Diet Coke.

I've realized throughout this that I am, in fact, one of those lame-ass mothers that kids hate.

When my brother and I were kids, we had the BEST mom when it came to stuff we wanted. We got candy (although I wasn't allowed to have chocolate due to their suspicions of an allergy - thank god for my Granny sneaking me some). We had Doritos and Mt. Dew and Koolaid and cookies, and basically whatever we wanted, we could put in the cart at Merries. Looking back, we were really happy but it probably contributed to us being overweight.

As I've grown older, I've started eating healthier. I like ethnic food, like Indian, Thai, and Vietnamese, which are things my parents would NEVER have eaten. I don't eat junk food at all (although that's more of a recent development). I don't drink pop.

I've made the kids into little mini-me's, and here is where you're going to start to hate me. I know this, because I think Russ is starting to detest me a little, as I don't allow junk food in the house, and he has to sneak it at work and in the car.

The kids are not allowed to have pop, unless that's all that's available, and then it has to be clear pop, because it wouldn't have caffeine in it. We don't drink Koolaid or Caprisuns. They drink either milk or water. Occasionally they have juice, but it has to be 100% juice and we water it down a little, because even if it's natural sugar it can still make them bounce off the walls.

In the mornings, they have cereal for breakfast, but I only buy the kind that has reduced sugar and fiber if I can find it. They drink skim milk or juice and have skim milk in their cereal. Of course between the ages of 1 and 2, they drink only whole milk, because the fat in it helps their brains develop.

The junkiest thing I think they eat is the pepperoni pizza Lunchable they get twice a week as a treat for lunch, and I hate giving them that, but it's kind of hard to cook anything with a run to the bus stop and having to feed the baby, too. Not to worry though because I make them eat fresh fruit with it to make sure they get SOMETHING healthy. It gets to the point where Zoey just wants the apple, and just nibbles on the pizza. I don't let them have the candy that comes with it either, because those damn airheads are bad for their teeth.

No matter what they eat, I make sure all four food groups are represented. Some parents seem to think that there are only three food groups and they are caffeine, sodium, and sugar. (Don't hate me if I'm about to criticize you). I've seen parents give toddlers ramen noodles. Ramen has 36% of an adult's sodium value for a day. What the hell do you think that does to your kid? I've seen parents filling kids up on caffeinated soda and iced tea and giving them sips of iced coffee. Caffeine does, in fact, stunt growth. I can find a scientific paper for you if you like. It is also a diuretic, and can dehydrate kids.

Basically, none of Quinn's friends are going to want to come to our house, because I'm the annoying mom who only has apples and pears for a snack, and you have to drink milk, water, or juice with it. But I'm not going to worry about that, because my kids are healthy as horses, with great percentiles for height and weight, and their teeth are perfectly white and healthy. So suck it.

Dr. Don't.

2010-03-23T15:53:00.002-04:00

I was watching Dr. Phil today, as I do most days while I'm at work (and at home if that screwed up Dr. Phil Family is on). He put this up on his website.

Warning signs that a friendship has become toxic:

You feel bad about yourself after contact
Your friend is unsupportive and even demanding
Your friend is a taker
The relationship is draining, unsatisfying and stifling
There is unequal footing; You have no voice
Your friend is unreliable
There is a pattern of criticism
There is little or no respect

First of all, been there. I love eradicating toxicity from my life.

Anyway, after watching the show, I think Dr. Phil should perhaps add a ninth warning sign: your best friend steals your baby daddy/fiance. Dur, Dr. Phil. Do you really need warning signs when talking to people who CALLED THE DR. PHIL SHOW FOR HELP instead of figuring out the common sense portion for yourself? I'm thinking when your friend is a vile hosebeast who calls a fake TV shrink on you, you're pretty clear on the friendship.

Food Stamp Momma.

2010-03-23T12:27:00.003-04:00

I would have normally let this go, but since it happened for the THIRD time yesterday, I felt the need to blog.

As I was being rang up at Kroger's for some groceries, I went to swipe my check card to pay, and the cashier said, "Food stamps?" This is the third time. Twice at Kroger, once at Walmart.

I really didn't know what to say, except "No. Check card."

I'll give the guy a little credit. I was wearing an old, worn out Fisher Scientific T-shirt (Proud to be Mad!) spattered with Spaghetti-O's. I had just washed my hair and let it dry a little wild (although I get compliments when it's like that). I was wearing a pair of worn jeans (but when you lose 20 pounds and everything's falling off of you, you don't have a ton of choices). But what about me screams FOOD STAMPS!!!!?

The first time it happened, I was knocked up with Cooper with Quinn and Zoey fighting in the cart. The second time, I had Cooper in the cart and Zoey with me. She looked like she had a dirty face, but it was just her eczema.

I have plenty of money to feed my kids. I have a good job, as does my husband. Just because I'm covered in children does not mean that I'm on food stamps. Perhaps it's that I don't buy junk food, so pretty much everything in my cart would have counted for food stamps.

Shall I get on my soapbox? I'll step up on it right now. Please don't throw tomatoes at me.

Here's my thinking about food stamps. The food stamp program was set up in the 1960's to help families who had to pick between a roof over their kids' heads and feeding them. I know that my grandma had moments after my grandpa died where the only things she had in the house was flour and sugar and water, and somehow she made my mom and uncle pancakes. I would bet they would have benefited from food stamps. It was NOT set up for fools to take the government for all they're worth.

I've known people who got food stamps because they had a baby and bought the maximum allowed and sold the excess groceries for money. For smokes.

I've known people who got food stamps because they had a baby and bought the maximum allowed and gave the extras away to friends and family.

I've known people who got to the end of their time with food stamps, so they had another baby so they could continue on using them.

I've known people who act as if the father of their child isn't in the picture so that they qualify for food stamps, even though there is enough money to pay for food.

I've known people who don't work, even though they could, because they're on food stamps.

I've also known people who had a child really early in life, and took the bare minimum they needed on food stamps, and got off them as soon as they could afford.

I've known people on food stamps who waited over 10 years to have another child to make sure they wouldn't have to go back on food stamps to feed them.

I've known people who are disabled and trying to support a teenager who applied for food stamps, but didn't get them. Perhaps because people who don't need them and have babies have used up all the money.

I think food stamps are a great thing. I do think that people need to be evaluated more fully before they get them, to make sure they're not hiding extra income. I think that they also need to sign an agreement that they wouldn't have another child until after they are off food stamps and wouldn't need them anymore.

And I think that dumbass cashiers need to stop assuming that because I dress like a slob on my day off that I can't support my kids. Asses.

Mar. 23 Blast from the Past

2010-03-23T08:51:00.002-04:00

Russ and I went to Aruba on our honeymoon. I won a vacation at a bridal show, and the only thing missing was airfare. Good thing Russ worked for Delta. We flew to Aruba (pre-Natalee Holloway) first class for a week for a grand total of $150, completely spent on food and pretty drinks with umbrellas on the beach.

One of our little excursions was a parasailing trip out into the ocean towards the north coast of Venezuela with a couple of locals. I repeatedly told them, "Don't dunk me, because I don't like deep water." What did my new husband do as soon as I was in the air? Of course. Tell them to dunk me.

As I came up for oxygen, all I heard was What's Luv by Fat Joe and Ashanti playing on repeat, because apparently they only get hip hop that's a year old in Aruba.

When I got back in the boat, I yelled at them the whole way back to shore. "I told you I'm afraid of deep water."

The local started to make fun of me. "Oh, I'm afraid of da watah. I'm afraid of da watah. The watah is only 6 foot deep ladee."

"I'm only 5 foot 6, jerk!"

Despite that experience, it wasn't nearly as painful as our horse riding expedition along the cliffs on the north side of the island in which I wore a swimsuit to swim in the clear pools, and forgot that you really need a bra while galloping on a horse. Because I'm a dumbass with big boobs.

Tiddly winks.

2010-03-18T10:58:00.004-04:00

Here are a few little tidbits:

Have you ever seen someone in the car in front of you at a stoplight toss a cigarette out into the road, and actually consider ramming them for it? Or is that just me? If you want to smoke, fine. But what about that makes the usual societal norms not apply to you? Oh, you smoke, therefore, littering is fine for you. Can you murder someone as long as you have a Marlboro in your mouth?

___________________________________________

I saw the Plantar's Nut Mobile driving down 75.

I think I prefer it to the Kahn's weenie mobile, because Mr. Peanut has his arms up like he's on a wild ride.

________________________________________

Quinn's really learning how to read, but sometimes her flubs are monumental. For instance, "rubs" became "puss." I worry what she says at school.

_______________________________________

I have a cold, and I thought that yesterday I would push fluids to get better. Then on my half-hour drive home, I realized that was a very BAD idea. May I recommend the Speedway on 237 for any potty stops? Very clean, and they didn't even give me any dirty looks for not buying anything.

_________________________________________

I happened upon the MTV Jams channel the other day (because you know I like to keep up with Lil Wayne and Young Jeezy's latest and greatest). They were having a day-long marathon called R.I.P. Jams. Yep, they were only playing videos from dead people. It seemed to be a continuous loop of Notorious B.I.G. and 2Pac. I think it was because it was the anniversary of Biggie's death. Might have been in poor taste...just a little....

_________________________________________

I really hope none of our boaters have video surveillance on their boats. When I took the electric readings at the beginning of the month, there was no one around, so I took my IPod down with me. I will admit that I was grooving a bit, and when the Jackson 5's "Don't Stop Til you Get Enough" came on, I didn't. I was dancing like a fool. Please lord. Don't let my dance skills show up on YouTube.

_____________________________________

Zoey is going to be an investment banker when she grows up. The kid can hear change jingling a mile away. My parents think they're not giving her very much because she wants change and not dollar bills, yet she brings some home every day. I'm pretty sure she's saving up for a bike, as she's filled up her piggy bank I painted her for Christmas. It's gotten so bad that when I'm looking in my purse for my keys, she sidles up and says, "Mommy....I hear monies. Give em to me." Yup. I got mugged by my two year old.

_______________________________________

I was walking behind a woman and her young son in the grocery store, and the little boy dropped a piece of paper, and went back to retrieve it. The woman said, "Oh, just leave that there." Wait. Your kid was trying to do the right thing and NOT litter, and you told him to? Great parenting. Why don't you go down the coffee aisle and get him a frappacino so you can stunt his growth? I think one of the cashiers might be a sex offender. Why don't you let him give your kid some candy?

Perception.

2010-03-18T10:56:00.001-04:00

Me: Hey, Russ, did you hear that we're getting those naked body scanners at the airport?

Russ: Yeah, I did.

(pause)

Russ: Wait. Did you say naked bobsledders?

Me: Noooo, naked body scanners.

Russ: Oh, that makes way more sense.

Me: What made you think that naked bobsledders at the airport made ANY sense?

Dirty Dancing

2010-03-17T23:07:00.002-04:00

Last night, I was cuddling with Cooper on the couch, watching movies, because we both have colds, his much worse than mine. I, like every other woman of a certain age, was instantly aware that Dirty Dancing was on Encore, and was watching it when Russ came out of the bedroom to get a drink.

Me: I'm sick... (more like I'mmmmm siickkkkk, in a really whiny voice, but not nearly like he would have said in the same situation).

Russ: Yeah, no wonder, with that crap you're watching.

Me: What. The. Eff? Do not shame yourself by talking bad about Johnny Castle.

Russ: That's not Johnny Castle. That's Patrick Swayze.

Me: Shows how much you know. In Dirty Dancing, his name is Johnny Castle.

Russ: Yeah, but in real life, he's Patrick Swayze.

Me: No. In real life, Patrick Swayze is a dude that died at age 50 of cancer and wasted away to nothing. Johnny Castle is Patrick Swayze circa 1987, and he will never let Baby sit in the corner.

Russ: Did Patrick Swayze just touch her boob?

Me: *Sigh* Yes, Russell, JOHNNY CASTLE just touched BABY'S boob.

Russ: Saweet. Oh, and you've got issues.

Mar. 16 Blast from the Past

2010-03-16T08:48:00.000-04:00

Back in the day, before I became super-lame, Limp Bizkit was the coolest. And yes, Russ and I saw them in concert. Apparently, they've gotten back together, and are playing at Rock on the Range in Columbus. However, I'm pretty sure I don't need to see old Fred Durst talking about Nookie.

March 9 Blast from the Past.

2010-03-09T08:06:00.000-05:00

I loved George Michael as a kid. I thought he was the hottest man alive (next to Jon Bon Jovi, of course). The way he looked in those jeans. The scruffy beard. The sunglasses. Of course he had to be gay. All the hot ones are.

I should have known he was gay when he released Freedom '90. Really, what straight man hires supermodels for his video without humping them a little?

I would have known sooner, but I was too young at the time to remember his little foray in Wham. Wake me up before you go-go? Men in hot pants? Duh.

Dancing with ACTUAL Stars.

2010-03-03T11:31:00.003-05:00

Well, I guess I'll give you my thoughts on this season's Dancing with the Stars contestants. Contestants that I actually know who most of them are. For once.

Buzz Aldrin

I'm not sure what it says about Buzz Aldrin that he would be the second man on the moon, and then stoop to being on Dancing with the Stars. Maybe he's sick of living in Neil Armstrong's shadow? He knows Neil Armstrong would NEVER do anything like this. Neil Armstrong is a friend of one of our boaters, and when he comes for a cruise, he avoids people like the plague. Buzz, you will always be the inferior moonwalker. Perhaps you'll be a superior dancer?

Pamela Anderson

She's pretty well known, worldwide, although more for her moaning skills than dancing. I think she's pole danced before, so maybe she'll do okay. Right now, I would like to re-enact the reaction of the DWTS costumer when she heard Pammy was cast: "Aw, shit. How am I going to contain those two watermelons in spandex and sequins?" It should be interesting, to say the least, to how her partner will be able to hold her up, considering there will have to be miles of distance between them. Although, she should take to the spray tan rather well.

Erin Andrews

Let's be honest here: she was only cast because of her Peeping Tom. Before that, she was the hot blonde that was on the sidelines of football games. After that, she was on Oprah, and now DWTS. She should send flowers to that guy in jail. Or photos, although I think he got plenty of those. (Oh, and BTW? Who irons naked? I'd be afraid a little bit of steam would get me).

Shannen Doherty

Oh, please, producers of DWTS, make her dance to Elton John's "The Bitch is Back." She's so horribly nasty and crazy that she's right up my alley. I loved her in 90210, but her best work EVER is in Heathers. Len Goodman better watch what he says. She's one catfight away from being Naomi Campbell (did you hear Naomi hit ANOTHER driver?).

Kate Gosselin

Gosselins, how I missed you! Kate, I love that you'll manage to sneak your 8 kids on TV once again, being on the sidelines and there while you practice, considering Jon only stopped you from being on TLC. BTW, I saw that picture of Jon's...ahem...equipment on Perez Hilton today. You poor woman. Your only claim to fame is having a uterus made of steel, but you deserve some extra money for dealing with wee willy winky. Lord, let's hope the stylists can do something with your weave.

Evan Lysacek

He should do pretty well. He's used to twirling. He can probably use his own costumes. He's no stranger to spray tans and slicked back hair. Although, I have a feeling he'll feel a bit out of place dancing with a girl. I have a question: is he gay or not? I can't tell. I don't want to stereotype him and say that he is, but odds are.... I mean, he's had costumes made by Alexander McQueen and Vera Wang, and well...he wore feathers for his short program. FEATHERS! Who is he, Oksana Baiul? Give me Johnny Weir anyday, where I know what I'm getting. I have a theory, though, that the DWTS producers figured he'd lose the Olympics, and that he'd appear on DWTS to redeem himself.

Niecy Nash

Ooh, Officer Reyneisha! I love Reno 911. It seriously is one of my favorite shows, and Reyneisha and her big old ass is one of my favorites (but not as much as Clemmy). She should be entertaining.

Jake Pavelka

Damn you ABC and your cross-promotion of your shows. I am SO sick of the Bachelor. Only four out of the 13 couples are still together (or at least that's what I hear). You don't have a great track record. Of course what do you expect? You pick a hot guy that is just concerned with screwing every single girl in the house (and with that many girls, he's just a walking STD). Any girl that would share her man with 20 other girls is a stark raving lunatic. Oh, and how do you pick a girl named Vienna? I don't ever want to go to Austria, just because it'll make me think of that stupid show.

Nicole Sherzinger

This one's weird to me. She's a Pussycat Doll, but I guess they're breaking up. She tried to jumpstart a solo career, and that didn't really work out for her. Maybe she figures that if she gets voted off, they'll let her sing on a results show? It seems like she might be a ringer, since she dances with the Pussycat Dolls. But then again.... that song "When I Grow Up" is on my DDR game for the Wii, and I'll tell you, when I do it, I think I dance more than she does. She kind of just moves around wildly, not following any real steps. We shall see.

Aiden Turner

C'mon ABC. Are you going to go through the entire All My Children cast? I know you're trying to drum up publicity for your shows, but the only people who know who he is are the ones that watch that show. Most of us work during the day (although I could totally watch it myself, since my job seems to include the internet and satellite TV - I like to keep reminding you of that), and don't watch AMC. However, those soap opera fans are rabid. They probably have 17 pay as you go phones to vote.

and

CHAD OCHOCINCO!!!

Oh, how happy this makes me! I follow Chad on Twitter, and I follow Chad around the city of Cincinnati. Not really, but I have met him a few times at training camp. He's just a super nice guy with a lot of charisma and a lot of fans. I hope he does really well. I also hope he dances, just once, to Welcome to the Jungle. You know, Cincinnati has had a couple of dancers before, with Drew Lachey and Jerry Springer. While we all know them as hometown guys, they don't mean as much to the city as Chad does. Let's consider him the Nasty Nati's ambassador to the rest of the country. I think the Dallas Cowboys are crying in that new stadium of theirs: first we steal Hard Knocks from them, and kill the ratings, and now one of our players is appearing on DWTS, which should earn us a ton of fans. I think someone else can now be called America's Team, bitches.

So, in closing, this year, I will be watching each episode of DWTS live instead of DVR'ing it and fast forwarding through all the lameness (or skipping it altogether), and if any of you fools try and get in contact with me during the show, your ass is going down.

Dancing Seasons Past.

2010-03-03T10:30:00.003-05:00

I am so excited for this season's Dancing with the Stars. For the past few seasons...alright...let's be honest...ALL the seasons, the cast lineup has been pretty lame. They use the term "Star" fairly loosely, don't they? Here are my thoughts on each previous season:

Season 1
Trista Sutter, Bachelorette. Um, no.
Evander Holyfield, boxer. Only if he has to "dance" with Mike Tyson again.
Rachel Hunter, model. Why do they classify her as model? Isn't she better known as Rod Stewart's baby momma?
Joey McIntyre, New Kid. Okay, him I'll watch. I used to be a big NKOTB fan.
John O'Hurley, actor. While Seinfeld is my favorite show of all time, I have no interest in watching J. Peterman dance.
Kelly Monaco, actress. Don't think so. I'm a Days of Our Lives fan.

Season 2
Kenny Mayne, sports anchor. Okay, he's pretty funny, but I have to watch enough Sportscenter with the hubs.
Tatum O'Neal, actress. I am only interested in Tatum O'Neal when she gets arrested for drug possession or her dad hits on her at Farrah Fawcett's funeral.
Giselle Fernandez, TV Journalist. Who?
Percy Miller, rapper. Percy Miller? Who's Percy Miller? Wait! Is that Master P?!?!?! Make em say Uhhhhhhh! Wait. I hate Master P.
Tia Carrere, actress. I love Wayne's World, but I'd rather see Mike Myers or Dana Carvey dance.
George Hamilton, actor. He's just too tan. Period.
Lisa Rinna, actress. Well, she used to be on Days, but that was before she signed an exclusive agreement with the manufacturers of Collagen and Botox.
Stacy Kiebler, WWE. I've heard enough of my husband hooting and hollering over her legs. I don't need a weird Italian dance judge doing the same.
Jerry Rice, football player. Eh. Didn't play for any of my teams.
Drew Lachey, singer. While he IS from Cincinnati, I will not claim to be a fan of 98 degrees.

Season 3
Tucker Carlson, political journalist. I just want to rip off that obnoxious bow tie.
Shanna Moakler, former Miss USA. Who remembers that? More like Travis Barker's ex.
Harry Hamlin, actor. I'm too young to know what he's been in. Does that tell you something?
Vivica A. Fox, actress. Seriously, what happened to her? She used to look so good when she was in Independence Day.
Willa Ford, singer. Singer of what?
Sara Evans, singer. My husband's next wife, according to him. I consider her the woman that will file a restraining order against him.
Jerry Springer, TV host. All I could think was, "He paid for a hooker with a CHECK!"
Monique Coleman, actress. No clue.
Joey Lawrence, actor. Whoa! What happened to Blossom's brother's hair?
Mario Lopez, actor. Oh, he's such a dick. But those dimples are pretty cute. But still a dick.
Emmitt Smith, football player. No complaints.

Season 4
Paulina Porizkova, model. Also married to one of the ugliest men in history.
Shandi Finnessey, Miss USA. C'mon. She's the computer girl on Lingo.
Leeza Gibbons, TV Host. Yeah, back in the dark ages.
Clyde Drexler, basketball player. Who?
Heather Mills, charity campaigner. Oh, come on. We all know she's the one-legged ex-wife of Paul McCartney who took way more money from him than she deserved.
John Ratzenberger, actor. Not since Cheers. Unless you count his voice being in every PIXAR movie.
Billy Ray Cyrus, actor and country singer. Again, let's be honest. He doesn't really do either very well. He had one hit, and it wasn't even that good. Let's just name him as Hannah Montana's dad. Period.
Ian Ziering, actor. Not since 90210.
Laila Ali, boxer. Who has ACTUALLY seen her box? She's Muhammed Ali's daughter.
Joey Fatone, singer. I like him. Although his jiggly midsection distracted me.
Apolo Anton Ohno, speed skater. Oh, he's so cute. I don't know if it's that stupid little soul patch, or the bandanna.

Season 5
Josie Maran, model. Never heard of her.
Albert Reed, model. Who knows any of the male models?
Wayne Newton, Mr. Las Vegas. Yes, that's how they classify him. Well, other than that, I guess he doesn't have too much else going on.
Floyd Mayweather, Jr., boxer. Okay.... he ain't Tyson.
Mark Cuban, entrepreneur. Isn't he under investigation for tax fraud or something?
Sabrina Bryan, actress. Who?
Jane Seymour, actress. Let's just get this out of the way. No, I didn't name my daughter after her, and if you call her Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, she will just look at you weird because she doesn't know who that is.
Cameron Mathison, All my children actor. He's hot, but still a Days fan.
Jennie Garth, actress. Not since 90210, and then went back on the new 90210. She should branch out.
Marie Osmond, singer. Not saying a word. Her kid threw himself off a 15 story building. She doesn't need my snarkiness at the moment.
Mel B, Spice Girl. I'll admit it: I love the Spice Girls. I think they're fabulously campy.
Helio Castroneves, Indy 500 racer. In his first season, Russ and I were in Indy, and he was signing autographs at the mall. We threw ours away, because we're effing morons.

Season 6
Penn Jillette, magician. If he doesn't have that little mute Teller running around, it's not funny.
Monica Seles, tennis player. Unless she's screaming that grunt she does, I don't care.
Steve Guttenberg, actor. Oh, how I love the Gut. Three Men and a baby, Police Academy...who doesn't love the Gut?
Adam Carolla, comedian. What has he done since Loveline? Without Dr. Drew, he's NOTHING.
Priscilla Presley, actress. First of all, Elvis' wife. She BARELY acted, but she was good in The Naked Gun. My question is: when did she start looking like the Joker?
Marlee Matlin, actress. Deaf actress. I seriously still have no idea how she danced to music she couldn't hear.
Shannon Elizabeth, actress. Naked girl from American Pie.
Mario, singer. Yeah.....not a very popular one, apparently.
Marissa Jaret Winokaur, stage actress. Originated Tracy Turnbladd in Hairspray on Broadway. Hundreds of miles from my home, so I've never seen her before.
Cristian de la Fuente, actor. Okay, now you're just making crap up.
Jason Taylor, football player. Ooh, he's cute. But the Dolphins?
Kristi Yamaguchi, ice skater. How couldn't she win against the rest of those fools? She's used to dancing, just on ice.

Season 7
Jeffrey Ross, comedian. The only TV he's ever done is all the Comedy Central roasts. Not a star.
Ted McGinley, actor. The actor that has KILLED every single show he's ever appeared on. Married with Children, Hope and Faith, Sports Night. Keep him away from my shows.
Kim Kardashian, reality star. More like celebrity sex tape star that parlayed it into a reality show because she's got a big ass.
Misty May-Treanor, volleyball player. Okay, she's pretty badass.
Rocco Dispirito, chef. Eh. Although, he's got a recipe for 53 calorie brownies made with black beans that I want to try. Don't want to see him dance, though.
Toni Braxton, singer. Not for a very long time. Now, she's just that chick that went bankrupt.
Cloris Leachman, actress. I love Cloris. Mary Tyler Moore, Beerfest, etc. Here's a little gossip: we know someone whose daughter works for the show. Cloris has a bit of a bladder problem. That's all I'm gonna say.
Susan Lucci, All My Children actress. DOOL. Although I do love La Lucci.
Maurice Greene, runner. I don't remember him AT ALL.
Cody Linley, Disney star. Not actor. Disney star. That says it all, I think.
Lance Bass, singer. I love Lance. He's fabulously gay.
Warren Sapp, football player. Who recently got arrested for domestic violence. Scary dude.
Brooke Burke, model. I have no idea how she ended up winning. Probably because she was up against a bunch of uncoordinated losers?

Season 8
Belinda Carlisle, singer. She's another one that I don't know how her plastic surgeon lives with himself. Apparently all the money she's thrown at him helps with that.
Denise Richards, actress. Besides Wild Things and being a Bond girl, I wouldn't really call her an actress. Charlie Sheen's ex.
Holly Madison, model. Heh. Hef's number one girlfriend.
Steve Wozniak, apple co-founder. This was random. I had no idea who the guy was until he started dating Kathy Griffin. Pretty funny though, in a geeky way.
David Alan Grier, comedian. Two snaps up! Has he done anything since In Living Colour?
Steve-O, Jackass star. Not as funny since he stopped doing heroin.
Lawrence Taylor, football player. Not saying a word. Kind of a scary dude.
Chuck Wicks, country singer. Never heard of him. Only got on the show because he was dating Julianne Hough.
Lil Kim, rapper. More like former jailbird who did Notorious B.I.G. and got a record deal out of it. Love her though.
Ty Murray, rodeo star. Married to Jewel. Otherwise, would any of us know who he was?
Melissa Rycroft, Bachelor star. Dumped. I have a theory about anyone on the Bachelor: they are mentally ill.
Gilles Marini, actor. Who? The naked guy who boned anything that moved in the Sex and the City movie. Hmmm.....
Shawn Johnson, gymnast. She's cool, but I got distracted by her huge thighs.

Season 9
Ashley Hamilton, actor. I only know who he is because his dad is that super tan guy and he was married to Shannen Doherty.
Macy Gray, singer. She's scary. Whatever drug she's on, keep it away from me.
Kathy Ireland, model. Not for a VERY long time.
Tom DeLay, former congressman. Yeah, former because he resigned when they found out he was trying to violate election laws.
Debi Mazar, actress. I can't think of a damn thing she's been in, except for Goodfellas and Empire Records.
Chuck Liddell, UFC fighter. Doesn't he have a tattoo on his skull? Not saying a word.
Natalie Coughlin, swimmer. Blah.
Melissa Joan Hart, actress. Can Clarissa explain why she's so bad? Maybe Sabrina will cast a spell to make her a better dancer.
Louie Vito, snowboarder. I hated him on the show, until I found out that he's from Russ' hometown of Bellefontaine. (Bell-fountain, not belly fontaine).
Michael Irvin, football player. Uh, he's okay. Kind of a slimeball back in the day, but he's a good commentator now.
Mark Dacascos, Iron Chef chairman. I love the cooking shows on food network, but this guy frustrates me. You are NOT the nephew of the original Iron Chef chairman in Japan. You're an actor and karate black belt. It's creepy.
Aaron Carter, singer. All I know about him is that he's a Backstreet little brother and Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff fought over him.
Joanna Krupa, model. C'mon now.
Kelly Osbourne, reality star/singer. I really do LOVE her. She's so honest and has a potty mouth. Sound familiar?
Mya, singer/actress. Can't figure out why she needed to do the show. I guess because she hasn't had a hit song since Lady Marmalade.
Donny Osmond, singer. Lame.

And now.....SEASON 10!!!

Oh...I'm tired from all of the previous snarkiness. I'll handle Season 10 later.

Mar. 2 Blast from the Past

2010-03-02T08:23:00.001-05:00

Alanis Morrissette. You Oughta Know. And I know it's totally the Psycho Bitch Anthem, but I just love Alanis. Check out the drummer - it's Taylor from the Foo Fighters.

Just be fat and shut up about it.

2010-02-27T13:24:00.003-05:00

I haven't been blogging lately, mainly to avoid this blog, because I'm ashamed. Not in a crying game shower kind of way. More like a pink elephant in Fantasia sort of way.

Weight loss update: 15 pounds lost. Times I've cheated on my diet? I've lost count at this point. I know I should stay positive. "Hey, you've lost 15 pounds! That's great!" That's just not how my mind works.

For a while there, it was pretty bad for me. I think I have body dysmorphic disorder reversal. I think that I look a hell of a lot skinnier than I really am. Then I forget to dart out of the way when someone takes a picture, or I forget that there's a mirror nearby, and I see how big I really am. When you've lost 14 pounds, and no one notices, you know you're a fat ass. At 15 pounds lost, though, my boss noticed that I had lost weight. Considering that he sees me five days a week, I thought that was pretty good. The people who usually notice are the ones who haven't seen you in months. Then my mom mentions that the boss said that he usually has no patience for "bigger people" but he can see I'm really trying. Really trying to find a tutu in my size (I added that, not him) for my solo with the other elephants.

I read something online about how you know that you're offtrack on your diet is that you're no longer keeping close track of your calories. I had stopped using my online program, but I thought to myself, "Oh, at this point, I know how many calories are in everything. I'll be fine on my own." Then when the scale didn't move for a few days, I thought, "Hmmm.... maybe I'm not working out enough? I did take a couple of days off when I had that horrible migraine." When I worked so hard that I sent my neck wonky (anybody got a spare Vicodin for poor old Ang?), I realized that maybe I should look at my diet. I entered in my calories for Thursday, and realized that I was overeating CRAP. I texted the following to my husband: "I just put in my calories for yesterday and realized I was 1000 calories over what I should be eating. What's for dinner?"

I just can't help myself. I tell myself, "Oh, this is healthy." But it's really not. For instance, I think that buffalo wings are healthy, because it's just chicken. Yeah, chicken that's probably been either breaded or fried, dipped in sugary sauce, then dipped in fatty ranch dressing (not a blue cheese fan, and if you are, you're weird). Plus, you can't have the wings without getting some potato wedges. With cheese.

Raisin bran is healthy, right? Probably not when you're eating two servings of it at a time, but you don't want that big old bowl to look half-empty, do you?

How about a Jimmy John's sandwich? It's got lettuce, tomatoes, and alfalfa sprouts on it. That's almost a salad! Oh, wait I forgot the turkey, cheese, huge french roll, and full-fat mayo. Crap. (BTW? If you have gall bladder issues, don't think that if you order a sandwich with avocado spread instead of mayo that you're doing a good thing. It's bad. Very very bad, and you shall be punished in unimaginable ways.)

How about pizza? It's BLT. I can get protein from the bacon, and the lettuce and tomato on top count as salad. Although I'm betting that the inch thick pan crust, cheese, mayo, and cheesy bread on the side counteracts anything good.

A banana split blizzard from Dairy queen can't be all bad, can it? It's got pineapple and strawberries... Fruit counteracts ice cream. It's a fact. Just like if you eat dark chocolate, it counts as eating no chocolate whatsoever.

So, I'm getting back on track. I've got my calories in for the day already, planning out the maximum of what I'm going to eat today. If I get full early, great. If not, no big whoop. Instead of working out to my favorite DVD every night (Oh, Bob Harper, I love you so. I love your tattoos and your spiky hair, and your androgynous way you tell me, "I know you're doing it!" when I do your Boot Camp). I think I have every single Biggest Loser DVD now (except for Cardio Max - I'm not suicidal), and I alternate them with the Wii EA Active games. Russ thinks my boobs are getting bigger. We'll let him think that, because I think that my stomach is just getting a little smaller, making them look bigger. I am doing a little bit of weight-work, so maybe I am working my chest a little. He also thinks I'm starting to get an ass, and with all the squats and lunges I've been doing, I better. My friends can stop referring to my butt as a pancake booty. It's getting to be more of a....hmmm.....well it's still a pancake. Just a smidgen more convex. My arms are getting toned and strong, but not bulky. There's no way I'm allowing myself to get that mudflap on the bottom of my arm when I'm older.

I'm going to do better, because Momma wants to be able to wear shorts, tank tops, and flip flops to work this summer (you want that when you're around boaters all the time and you're used to wearing jeans and sneakers to work in a lab). I also got an IPOD to keep my mind off of working out, although I'm sure I look ridiculous, singing along. My goal is to run around the lake here at work the two days I don't have the kids once it gets warmer, since there's a shower downstairs and I can get cleaned up. I'm not really a runner, though. I'll probably fall in the water. That's just how I am. I'll keep you posted, if for no other reason to shame myself into doing more. Rest assured, I won't scare you with the actual number of my weight. No one needs to see that sort of horror.

Feb. 23 Blast from the Past.

2010-02-23T07:20:00.001-05:00

Uptown Girl. Billy Joel. Just because even as a child, I thought to myself, "She's married to him? Seriously?"

Tiger Tiger Woods y'all.

2010-02-19T12:29:00.003-05:00

Tiger Woods issued his apology today. I, of course, watched, and thought it was LAME.

First of all, we all know Elin beat you half to death with a golf club and made you crash your Escalade. Don't try and act like it didn't happen. I would just like an explanation of why you weren't driving a Buick.

I would like an explanation of why you only cheated with skanks and porn stars. It's obviously not because they're able to keep their mouths shut. You had a Swedish bikini model at home and you cheated with a girl on Tool Academy? Fail.

It seemed like it followed the standard mea culpa that politicians use, with a few variables. Apologize to everyone, listing them one by one. Be sure to repeat an apology to your wife/kids/mother. Hug your wife. Oh, wait. She didn't show up. Hug your mother instead. Throw something in about relying on your faith (although Buddhism isn't one often used - nice touch). Blame the paparazzi for annoying your family, even though you caused the attention. Don't make any promises on returning to golf (because I'm thinking you're not going to be welcomed with open arms). Hey wait! Where were the tears? We need tears. Vegas had odds on how many minutes in that there would be tears. There were a couple of stumbles, but I think it was more of a matter of being a poor public speaker than being choked up. Wait. Do you have dyslexia? Is that why you're a man-whore?

You know what, though? Tiger has nothing to apologize to me about. Because of his scandal, I managed to get Tiger Woods for the Wii for $19.96 instead of the usual $50 pricetag. Thanks, pimp.

Tiger Woods y'all. It's all good y'all. Tiger Tiger Woods.

My boy's a model.

2010-02-18T14:52:00.001-05:00

Derek Zoolander. Blue Steel.

Cooper D. Blue Steel Jr.

The Lenten season.

2010-02-18T12:55:00.002-05:00

Russ: Why aren't you eating dinner?

Me: It's chicken.

Russ: And?

Me: I'm Catholic. It's Ash Wednesday. I can't eat meat.

Russ: Yeah, and when was the last time you went to church?

Me: Hmm....I think my granny's funeral in 2000? Oh, I went to chapel at Thomas More on one of those holy days of obligation in 2001. Peer pressure. No no no, I'm wrong. It was Aaron and Chrissy's wedding. 2005.

Russ: So, you haven't been to church in five years and you're going to worry about some delicious salsa chicken?

Me: Hey, I think it's lame too, but what if I'm wrong? I'd hate to end up in the fiery depths of hell just because I'd rather have a cheeseburger than a piece of fish.

For college, I went to a private Catholic school in northern Kentucky. Having went to public school my whole life, it came as a bit of a shock to me. There were nuns wandering around glaring at me. There were priests trying to make stupid puns during their class (why hello, Father Ketteler - did anyone ever tell you we call you the Count behind your back? It's a combo of the collar and your annoying laugh.) There were 12 required credit hours of religion. 12!!! For the first semester or so, I so was kicking myself for not taking the scholarship to IU. Or Butler. Or Xavier. Or ANYWHERE but there.

Then I kind of started to enjoy it. I got to argue with a priest about social programs in the government, and bullshit my way through essay after essay. Then, my senior year, I actually learned WHY Catholics do what they do, and realize that most people today are totally ignoring what they are actually supposed to be doing. A good representation of that is the following urbandictionary.com definition:

LENT
That 40 day long period where Christians attempt to emulate Christ-like
suffering and minimalism through only the lamest and most half-assed
undertakings.

Jesus: I toiled in the desert for 40 days and nights. Then I was beaten
until I lost 17.8 litres of blood.

Self-Righteous Christian Tool: I switched to low-carb beer.

Lent is supposed to be the 46 days (counting Sundays) before Easter, in which you recognize Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. Catholics (and others) don't eat meat on Ash Wednesday and every Friday during the period. Here's the problem I have with it: you're also not supposed to eat dairy, but no one ever follows THAT one. It comes from the Jewish tradition, that you're not supposed to eat meat and dairy together, because you would be eating the mother and the mother's milk for the young (gross, I know, but true). Besides that, some people eat chicken, some eat fish. Technically, you should probably fast completely or just eat bread. Jesus fasted or ate bread or fish because that's what the poor had. Only the wealthy had meat.

You're supposed to give up one of your vices during lent (after overindulging on Fat Tuesday), so that in your sacrifice, you're commiserating with Jesus' sacrifice of his life. What I don't understand is how giving up chocolate can be equated with a life? It just seems silly and minor to me. Live your life the proper way and don't worry about whether or not that cracker you ate on Good Friday was actually a Chicken in a Biscuit (I remember a certain college party with a bunch of Catholics in which people were freaking the eff out about that - nevermind the keg of beer they went through while being underage. Because violating dietary restrictions is sooo much worse than breaking the law). You're also supposed to give the money you save on your vice (like the amount of money you'd spend on coffee at Starbucks if you hadn't gave it up), and donate it to a charity to do some good in the world.

So in that vein, let's vote on what I should give up for the lenten season:

1. Facebook? Hah. Not bloody likely.

2. Alcohol? Already gave that up, pretty much. I'm not sure I've had a drink since Zoey was a baby (although Cooper's sleeping habits could drive me to drink). It's ironic that I eliminated alcohol from my diet around the same time Russ started working for Budweiser. Although, when Florence Freedom's season starts at the end of May, I'm going to take up my drinking habit again, because now that I'm not pregnant, we'll spend the summer playing pass the baby with John and Jennie while the girls and Kali play. Ah, summer....

3. Blogging? I think I did a pretty good job of that for the last 40 days. Sorry about that.

4. Family drama? I fricking wish.

5. Buying things from Amazon.com? After today's purchases, I don't think I need to worry about that one. I'm good for a very long while.

6. Soda? Gave that up a while ago to lose weight. I was on a major orange soda kick during my pregnancy with Cooper (trying to gain weight for the doctor's approval), but that made my sugar go haywire. I read somewhere that if you drink one can of pop a day, it makes you 80% more likely to become diabetic. No thank you. Oh, and btw? Something else I learned from my last pregnancy? Caffeine free soda is the worst thing you can drink, because they remove the caffeine with formaldehyde. Seriously.

7. Inactivity? I work out every day, between the Wii Fit/EA active and the Biggest Loser DVD's. Taken care of.

8. Chocolate? Never have been a fan.

9. Coffee? Screw you. You'll have to pry the Starbucks cup out of my cold dead hands.

10. Church? We've established that one. Lent 2005 sure did stick.

11. Cleaning? I love to clean. Have no time to do it. I have three kids. Do we have a winner?

12. Being a fat ass? Hey, it took 30 years for me to get to this point. 40 days is a blip on THAT calendar.

13. Being mean to people? I can try, but they'd have to give up being a dumbass for lent first.

14. Pregnancy? I have been pregnant for some portion of each calendar year from 2003 to 2009. That's six years. I've promised my mother that 2010 will be a non-pregnancy zone. I think we'll go with this one. Although, I did appreciate my ability to eat Chipotle on a Friday around a bunch of Catholics and make them jealous. Hey, I was prone to anemia, so I needed red meat. Suckers. I enjoyed being pregnant, but at some point, there's only so much the pregnancy body pillow can do to relieve your discomfort.

Alright. The official answer of what I'm giving up for Lent: getting knocked up. Sorry, Russ, but if you touch me, you're going to hell in a handbasket.

***Do not take this as me making fun of organized religion. It's obvious I'm a heathen, and I'm just convincing you of that fact.

Stop telephonin' me.

2010-02-18T11:22:00.002-05:00

We got our tax money last week (God, I love my little deductions...er...children). Russ has been complaining about his T-mobile phone for a full year CONSTANTLY. Perhaps if he hadn't been so impatient last year at this time, he could have waited a week and gotten the phone he wanted in the first place. So, the very day we got our money, he and Quinn headed straight to the T-mobile store and got his phone.

I'm kind of glad he got it, because it's a texting phone with a full QWERTY keyboard. Before, he had a regular keypad, and set up his phone to finish his words for him since it was harder to text. Now I'm getting actual texts instead of things saying, "I got put the chickadee for dining," or "Do you thing you can picker upper Quincy?"

He was so excited to show me his phone, and had me call it to hear his new ringback tone. If you don't know about these, when you call someone with them, instead of hearing a ring, you hear a song. I think it's fricking annoying, and completely juvenile, especially if you're expecting an important phone call. The pediatrician could be calling him and instead of a ring, they hear "Hillbilly deluxe, slick pick up trucks.Big timin' in a small town." Huh?

So, I called, and I hear a high pitched voice singing "How low can you go? How low can you go? How low can you go? How low can you go?" Etc. I said, "Why in the world would you have the Chipmunks on your phone?"

Apparently it's the new Ludacris song. Am I getting older, or is that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard of?

Open letter to A.A. Gill.

2010-02-18T10:53:00.003-05:00

Dear Mr. Gill,

I recently read your article in the February 2010 issue of Vanity Fair concerning the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky. I am not sure what area you actually visited, or if you were in fact high while visiting (as evidenced by that atrocious white suit you wore), but you've got our area all wrong. Your article was in no way informative or journalistic in any way, except for the fact that I had no idea that there was a movie coming out about Charles Darwin starring Paul Bettany, and that I am PISSED that Paul Bettany was in my town and I wasn't staking out the airport.

1. I'm pretty sure that you can't describe the greater Cincinnati area as "stoic" unless you visit more than a museum devoted to God and Lenscrafters.

2. While there are a good number of god-fearing Christians here (as there is in many midwestern towns), we are not all that way. While I was raised Catholic, and attended a Catholic college, I am, in fact, a proud recipient of a degree in Biology from that institution. And btw? We weren't taught that the TRex and Noah shared a cabin. We were taught evolution. Period. I have read Charles Darwin's On the Origin of Species three times and actually understand it. How 'bout you? I know who Francis Crick and Rosalind Franklin are, and I could explain the basic structure and function to DNA to you, if you'd like to sit down sometime. But you're so obviously clueless, I'd probably have to explain a lot more to you first. Like the fact that if I were to be working at a one hour eyeglass place and someone came in spouting about God, I'd probably just smile and nod, too.

3. If you were to ask someone from Cincinnati what is remarkable about our town, I will guarantee you that most of us will NOT bring up the Creation Museum. Most of us will talk about the Underground Railroad Museum, or the first baseball team (the Cincinnati Reds), and what a badass Chad Johnson is. We may bring up our museum (the actual one downtown) or the zoo. We might talk about the aquarium in Newport or the Levee. We'll probably bring up the Labor Day fireworks and tell you all about the river and Tall Stacks. We have a lot of stuff in town that we believe in, and it's not all about God resting on the seventh day.

4. We do NOT doubt science in this area. In fact, I have worked at the University of Cincinnati and Cincinnati Children's Hospital which boast some of the best research labs in the world. They bring in millions of dollars to cure diseases and create new treatments. We don't just pray for God to heal everyone, just so you know.

5. Tennis is not only for Europeans and sexual deviants. I love tennis. A lot of people I know love tennis. I watch Wimbledon every summer (and have in fact watched the movie Wimbledon, starring Paul Bettany, despite my disgust for Kirsten Dunst). We have tennis courts in every single park in town. I doubt it's just for European tourists to have sex against the net.

6. FYI, we are not flabbergasted by English accents or any other accent for that matter. I have worked with people from England, Scotland, Australia, India, China, Japan, France, Germany, Bosnia, and Mexico. I'm down with accents. We may have a few stray people that are surprised by them (as my parents kept saying to-mah-to around my friend Tora when they met her), but we get over it real quick.

7. I'm betting if you checked the license plates in the parking lots, most of the patrons are from out of town. I seriously don't know anyone who has visited the museum except for a few who wanted to see the animatronic dinosaurs.

8. Why is it so amazing that the security guards there are overweight? Can anyone think of a single security guard they've ever seen that's not overweight? They sit on their ass all day. Most are fat. Hey, how about a story about how overweight people in the Midwest are in general? Oh, I guess because the only important ones are overweight Christian guards.

Hey, I'm down for people believing in whatever God they believe in. Just don't lump us all together. Because we don't all judge others based on where they're from. Since you're Scottish, I won't just assume you are a drunk, mean, redhead asshat wearing a kilt. I think you're probably just an asshat wearing a white suit.

The education of Russell James

2010-02-17T11:28:00.002-05:00

This past week was Valentine's Day. My least favorite of the Hallmark Holidays. The day when you can't go near a restaurant, or even into Kroger's because of the line 15 deep of guys who wait until the last minute to buy flowers for their significant other. BTW...why do people love flowers? They just end up dying, and you can literally watch your money crumple and die. I'd rather get a potted plant that you can plant in the spring and watch it grow year after year. Anyway, I digress.

My only concession to the holiday was following the Facebook trend and changing my profile picture to one of me and Russ, and posting how long we'd been together. In case you're wondering, we met in May 2000, been together since June 2000, moved in together September 2000 (yep, I'm a hussy), got engaged in February 2001, and got married in June 2002. So, 8 years married, 10 years together and three kids later.

Thinking of that made me think about how we epitomize the whole saying of "opposites attract." Russ and I are really nothing alike, and sometimes I wonder how in the hell we ever ended up together, but it seems to work. Possibly the fact that we've both adapted to each other, and find a happy medium. One striking adaptation has been our movie tastes. I remember one conversation early on when we first started living together.

Me: Let's watch a movie tonight. I've got a ton.

Russ: OK, what do you want to watch?

Me: How about a marathon? We could do Star Wars/Empire/Jedi.

Russ: Eh. Not really a fan.

Me: Ookay.... how about a John Hughes marathon? We could watch Ferris Bueller, Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club...

Russ: Aren't those chick flicks or something? I've never seen them. Who's John Hughes?

Me: Where exactly were you in the 80's?

Russ: Outside. Playing sports.

Me: Well, John Hughes is a great director. He also did the Home Alone movies and Uncle Buck, but those are the....

Russ: Oh, I love those!

Me: ....crappier ones. Hmmm.... How about the Jersey trilogy from Kevin Smith? Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy.

Russ: Mallrats? Is it about a mall? Lame.

Me: Seriously. This is becoming a problem. I've got Clue, Caddyshack, Young Frankenstein, Monty Python, Blazing Saddles, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...

Russ: I'll watch Caddyshack if it's the second one with the mini golf. That's so funny. Wait. Clue? Like the board game? That sounds really dumb. Hey! How about Dumb and Dumber?

Me: A) The second Caddyshack sucked major ballage. B) Do not taketh Madeline Kahn's name in vain. and C) Dumb and Dumber is the worst Jim Carrey movie ever made. It's even worse than Once Bitten, and that's saying a lot. Who are you, and why did I agree to live with you?

We learned that night that we should probably just watch sports together early on, because we may have never ended up married if I tried to educate him about movies. In the end, though, he's really come over to my side. I've got him to watch all of the Kevin Smith movies, and even got him to see Zach and Miri make a Porno with me in the theater. Of course, that may have been due to "Porno" being in the title. We have all of the movies on DVD, and he especially enjoyed Clerks II (again, maybe because of the term "interspecies erotica"). Don't think that I haven't made concessions as well though. I've seen every single Denzel Washington movie ever made now (although that's not much of a stretch, because that brother is H-O-T). I saw the first four Saw movies in the theater with him. However, I was pregnant with Zoey during the fourth flick, and almost puked in my popcorn. When I watched the fifth one at home with him and again almost threw up, I decided I was done with those. But we have now settled into our easy rhythm of him watching his movies on his own, and me watching my own, and sometimes we watch them together. But he's still harping on that damn Dumb and Dumber. Babe? It sucks ass. Period. End of sentence.

Feb. 16 Blast from the Past.

2010-02-16T07:15:00.000-05:00

Bryan Adams. (Everything I Do) I Do It For You. Brings back memories of middle school dances where we would hide from the boys until THIS song came on and we needed to have someone to slow dance with.

Feb. 9 Blast from the Past

2010-02-09T07:23:00.001-05:00

This one might be kind of obscure, except to those of us who hung out together in college. I remember that you couldn't get into Jared's Tahoe without either listening to Aerosmith (STEVEN TYLER PJ'S! STEVEN TYLER PJ'S!), or this song: Strokin' by Clarence Carter. We knew every word, and I still do. Who knew there was a video?

Feb. 2 Blast from the Past

2010-02-02T07:21:00.000-05:00

Young MC. Bust a Move.

Pull Over! That Ass Too Fat!

2010-01-26T12:19:00.002-05:00

It's time for a weight loss update. Since I started my diet/exercise on New Year's Eve, I have lost 9 pounds and dropped a pants size. My arms, legs, and abs are getting really toned. As a side effect, my knees and elbows are effing killing me, but I know I've got to push through the pain and lose the weight, because my mom has arthritis, and I'm going to do everything in my power to not have to deal with that.

It really is more than a diet and adding exercise, though. It's more of a lifestyle change. I have realized that I was eating huge quantities of food that wasn't good for me. I wasn't active AT ALL, except for when I had to be with the kids. I walked a lot in the summer, but that doesn't do me much good in the winter. Plus, my body had been truly stressed from having three kids in five years. I now know that I have to eat right and exercise for the rest of my life to make sure that I'm here for my kids, and be able to be active right along with them. Plus, it's wearing off on Russ. Of course, he's a man, so he just cuts down on a few different things, and has lost the same amount of weight as me. Grr. Male metabolism can kiss my ass. Besides that, I've suffered from postpartum depression, and exercise boosts your endorphins, and I feel so much better and more positive, even with all the stressful CRAP I've been going through.

As far as exercise goes, I've got a lot of the Biggest Loser DVD's. I totally want Bob Harper to be my gay husband. I want Jillian Michaels to break her leg, but she is just trying to help. Although I don't need her yelling at me when I'm trying to exercise, "If my 400 pound Biggest Loser contestants can do this, so can you! Don't stop." Uh, suck it, Jill. If I want to be lazy on your 3,000 jumping jacks, I will be. Bob's much more positive. My favorite DVD is Bob's Boot Camp. At first, I couldn't even get through the 20 minute Level 1 Workout. Now I find it easy. Level 2 is a bit rough for me, but it's getting easier, and now I even look forward to Level 3. On Tuesday nights, I get on my elliptical while I watch the Biggest Loser for inspiration (because I don't want to EVER look like that pink girl. She looks like she ate another contestant), and then do some ab work with a medicine ball. My arms are getting pretty toned, but they have a long ways to go. My legs have always been muscular, and I can't find any fat on them except my upper thigh. My ass is not quite so pancakey. Okay, it's still as flat as can be, but I know if I keep doing my squats and lunges, I may be able to find a pair of jeans that doesn't hang off of my butt. Someday. My abs are getting tighter. Those poor muscles were shot with all the pregnancies, and I can tell that I'm losing belly fat. I want to add in some other exercises, and would love to join a gym, but I hate being away from my family, so I just have to mix it up with different kinds of DVD's. My goal is to get in good enough shape with the DVD's that when it starts getting warmer that on Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday when I don't have to get the kids ready to go to school or my parents' house, I'm going to jog a few miles around the marina or our subdivision. I've never been a runner, so that's my goal. Then maybe I'll do some 5K's with Bitty (I am in no condition to do that now. In fact, the thought just made me shudder and have an anxiety attack). Anyway, I keep track of my calories burned, and hopefully it's enough to lose 2-3 pounds a week, which is what I've been doing so far. My dream is to buy a Bodybugg armband (like the Biggest Loser contestants wear) to measure how many calories I've burned to make sure I'm working hard enough, but those puppies are $400.

As far as my diet goes, it's completely changed. I'll admit it: I used to be a pig. P. I. G. (Person Ingesting Garbage). At Jersey Mike's I'd split a giant sub with the girls. At Burger King, I'd ask for extra Mayo on my chicken sandwich. I think some days I had twice as many calories in one meal than I should have eaten all day. Now, I'm very conscious of what I put in my body, and keep track of everything on a website. For breakfast, I either have a spinach/mushroom omelette with black coffee (with Splenda in it - I'm not an animal), or a Starbucks Skinny Vanilla Latte. I know the Starbucks doesn't sound very dietetic, but it's nonfat milk, sugar free syrup, and it has a lot of protein, antioxidants, and calcium in it, and it fills me up. So suck it. For lunch at work, I have a Greek salad that I premake on Monday nights for the whole week. It's got romaine lettuce, tomatoes, red onion, cucumbers, black olives, and feta cheese with a dressing consisting of olive oil, lemon juice, salt, and oregano. I usually hate salads, unless they're dripping in caesar or ranch and have a shitload of cheese, but I like this one. For dinner, I usually have baked chicken with salsa on it and some vegetables (I bake the chicken at the beginning of the week to save time). My snacks consist of Laughing Cow Light Swiss cheese on reduced fat triscuits, apples, Jello Mousse (sugar free and only 60 calories), and peanut butter. I'm trying to up my protein (since I tend to not like to eat meat), so I'm supplementing my diet with the Biggest Loser whey protein, especially after workouts.

I'll tell you: I really feel good. I'm not sure I've felt this good in years. When Zoey's crying, I can pick her up without even feeling it (she's a heavy little thing). I can keep up with the house cleaning, and instead of letting the dishes pile up in the sink so I can lay on the couch, I load it as I go. I tend to not sit down too much until it's almost bedtime. I can run around with Quinnie without getting too winded, and I'm looking forward to warmer weather so we can get on the trampoline. I have a lot more energy to do things with the kids, and hopefully when it's warmer, we'll be a lot more active. I can't wait until we get our tax money back so we can get our Wii and get the whole family moving with some of the games.

Basically I'm pretty damn pleased with myself, and when I get down to that size 8/10, y'all are totally going shopping with me.

What's wrong with me?

2010-01-26T10:59:00.003-05:00

Anyone know what the hell is wrong with me?

I'm not saying that there necessarily is something wrong with me, but lately I've come across a few people who seem to have a major problem with me, and think that I'm an evil shrew, but I'm totally not. At least I don't think I am. I think I question it because I've never really encountered anyone else who didn't like me. If I did, they were very good at covering it. I think that I'm "friends" with everyone I've ever been friends with, and actually with a lot of people that I wasn't necessarily friendly with before, but I am now. So what's the dilly, yo?

I do have a biting wit dripping with sarcasm. If someone says or does something stupid, I sometimes can't hide the disgust on my face. Sorry, but think before you speak or do something, and you won't see the poopy face. Jen saw a picture of Cooper pooping and said, "Hey I know that face! That's the face you give me when I say I've never heard of a band you like." Guilty. I will also say something smartass to you. It's just how I roll.

I come from a long line of fiery Irish people, and if someone pisses us off in the family, we'll have a knockdown fight, and then 20 minutes later, we'll all be fine and buy each other a beer. It's much better to get issues out of the way, then to let them fester and become huge insurmountable problems. For instance: if you see a little bit of mildew on your shower tile, and you think, "Oh, I'll just clean that off when there's a little bit more. Not enough to worry about yet." Then you keep telling yourself that. Then it gets to the point that you're on your hands and knees covered in bleach trying to scrub the grossness out of your grout with a toothbrush. You can't let things go, because they'll just get worse. Nothing gets better without some sort of action. At the same time, if someone says something about a member of the family, you will fight to the death to defend them. Just the way a family works. Or at least, that's the way it's supposed to go.

My kids are infinitely more important to me than anyone else in this world. So, if someone slights one of them, you will be on my shit list FOR LIFE. Period. Their happiness is paramount to me and Russ, as well as their education. Quinn's going to be one of those poor kids that has perfect attendance because unless she's got a fever or is puking, she's going to school. It's too easy to get behind, and she can't miss any of her schoolwork. I'll tell you though: I get so many compliments on my kids. They're always the sweetest, most well behaved, beautiful children. I'm not just saying it (okay, maybe I am), but I have too many strangers coming up to me in public complimenting them. We have little old ladies on our street stop their car to tell us how gorgeous our kids are. Now, if only those pictures of the kids that I submitted to Regis and Kelly's beautiful baby contest would get picked for a scholarship, we'd be golden....

I get a little bit nosy. I admit it. But only when it affects me or my family personally. Russ is WAY worse than me. You should see him when the Trashtastics across the street are outside. His nose is stuck through the blinds, wondering aloud which baby daddy is sleeping over tonight. He's our very own Gladys Kravitz. I could care less. I do care when it involves us. I want to know what's going on, why we didn't know about it, and what we can do to fix it.

I am a little judgmental, but only towards people that are judgmental towards others. Glass houses and all that. For the most part, I don't judge my friends. If they've made a bad decision in their life, I try to help them move past it and become better, as I'd hope they'd do the same for me. But when you're someone that calls people names and thinks they know people when they truly don't, then it's on.

I may be a little too obsessive over my online activities. Here's the deal though: I've made a lot of friends in my life, between high school, college, and work. A lot of these people are from different countries and have moved all over the world. I'm phone-phobic and refuse to call people unless I really have to, so the internet is my only means of staying in contact with them. I like a lot of the games on Facebook too. What does it hurt to build my own cafe and farm and apartment in yoville and have my own pet? Other than taking up WAY too much time, but I have nothing to do at work anyway. Besides that, I love to write my blog, and I'm using Facebook to advertise it a bit, and maybe one day, I'll get a following that will translate to a book deal which will mean that I will replace Gayle as Oprah's bestie, and I'll get my own Sirius radio show on her channel. Okay, maybe I'm reaching a bit far there, but a girl can dream, can't she? I'm a little too free with accepting friend requests, especially when I know it's a bad idea to be in contact with someone, but I do it to keep trouble down and not hurt anyone's feelings. In those situations, I try to leave it alone and not request them and not really communicate at all, but somehow it always manages to turn around on me and take a huge bite out of my ass.

Yup, everything's my fault. Once I realize that, maybe everyone can just move on and leave me alone. Yes, I caused the hole in the ozone layer. It was from all the aqua net I used in sixth grade when I had that perm. I caused the nation's credit card debt when I was late on one of my payments. The housing crisis is my fault because I got someone else's mortgage payment book in the mail and threw it away. I caused the war in Iraq because I totally thought Saddam was making anthrax. The earthquake in Haiti? Oh, I thought those tectonic plates needed to be smoothed out a bit. 9/11? I gave the hijackers a buddy pass for their flights. Is there anything else you would like to blame on me? I'm taking reservations.

Jan. 26 Blast from the Past.

2010-01-26T07:18:00.001-05:00

Kashmir. Led Zeppelin.

Zoey loved Zeppelin when I was pregnant with her. Whenever I listened to them in the car on the way to work, she would rock out, kicking me for all she was worth. I think that kid is going to be a rock star when she's older. She will stop in the middle of a store to sing a song. "Mommy, Mommy. We shopping. We goin to pay." She always has a big finish, in which she jumps up and down for the last syllable of the song. She also moves her hands around to emphasize each lyric. Yeah, she's two. Or she might be a comedian. She is pretty damn funny. She could do both, maybe? She might be the next Bette Midler. With a nose that doesn't need plastic surgery.

Unanswered questions

2010-01-25T00:58:00.003-05:00

Why is the sky blue?

What are you supposed to do when someone talks ill of the one you love besides protect them?

Why does my dog look at her butt when she farts? Does she expect to see the gas cloud?

Shouldn't your children be the most important people in the world to you and why have them if you're not going to take care of them?

Why do guys like boobs?

Why are there a handful of people who should love me that hate me, while I am friends with every other person in the world that I've ever met?

Why does tension give you a headache?

Why does it take being hurt to realize that you took things for granted and be grateful for what you have?

Why does flipping a baby over his crib work in getting him to sleep through the night?

Why do people think they know it all when they know NOTHING?

Why am I still awake at half past one in the morning?

Rather than accepting things for what they are, why do people feel the urge to lay blame at others' feet?

Why does Jay Leno's tanking ratings mean CONAN is out of a job?

Have morals and common sense disappeared?

Why can't I sleep?

Why are some given everything they've ever wanted in their life while the rest of us have to fight and struggle and work for everything?

Why are my questions unanswered? Why (just once) can't I have the answers for everything running through my mind?

It's probably the dog's fart. It's making my head spin.

My baby boy....

2010-01-23T14:12:00.004-05:00

As of January 15, my baby boy is 6 months old. He's getting so big. Too big, in my opinion. With Quinn, I was eager for her to hurry up and grow up so that things could get easier. Now I realize how fast they actually do grow up, and I'm in no hurry with Cooper. I love my snuggles and baby kisses, and that smell. Oh, that smell. Especially after he has his bath and it's a sweet blend of shampoo, baby lotion, and Cooperliciousness. I'm trying to enjoy every single second, because he may be my last (if my parents have any say), and there will at least be a very big gap between him and any more kids.

He went to the doctor with Russ on Wednesday. Yes, you read that right. My husband took one of our kids to a wellcheck. The nurses will now no longer believe that I am a single mother juggling three kids. Anyway, he did very well, although I had to write down his feeding patterns and the questions I had. Trust me, it might have been easier for me to take him, but I forgot to make the appointment, and the only day they could get him in was on Russ' day off. So, Coop is 18.13 lb (56%) and 27.5 inches long (79%). His measurements seem to be pointing towards him having my Dad's body frame: tall, thin, with chicken legs. He's healthy as can be. My only concern was that he has had a runny nose for a while and was tugging at his ear and patting his head, so I was concerned he had an ear infection (after dealing with Zoey having ear infections every month for 17 months before her surgery, you get a little nervous). Turns out he's like Quinn, with no problems with his ears (thank God - with Russ as his father, you never can tell). His tugging/patting is just his way of self-soothing. Who knew? Never had a kid do that before. The doctor did not have to remind us that he will be crawling and sitting up soon. Not necessary lady. I'm already on antidepressants here.

So he got his shots, which were the same ones he got at 1 month, 2 months, and 4 months. Problem with this series was that he had some sort of reaction. At the injection site, he got a big, hard, red lump that was about the size of a golf ball. It had to hurt, even though they said it didn't. I soaked him in the bath tub (aka our kitchen sink), and I think that helped a bit. I tried to give him Tylenol, but yet again, a little man has to be difficult, and he took about a third of what he should have, then spit it out. The next morning, his leg was much better though.

My only complaint with the boy is that he is a HORRIBLE sleeper. It's not that he wants to get up in the middle of the night for a bottle. He hasn't done that since he was about 6 weeks old. He stays awake most of the day, and if he takes a nap, it's no longer than an hour or so. Then when I put him down in his bed at night, he wakes up almost instantly, which totally screws up my exercise schedule. When he's finally asleep, he'll wake up constantly throughout the night, starting within 10 minutes of 12:30 am. Every. Single. Night. It's either because he drops his binkie, or he just wakes up for some reason and is wide awake. I go in half asleep and give him his binkie back or give him a couple pats on his side to calm him down, and then I repeat the process every 20-45 minutes for the rest of the night. Again. Every. Single. Night. Basically, Momma is short on sleep and getting extremely frustrated. Especially when Dadda pretends not to hear him most of the time (Russ, I see you stiffen up when you hear the baby monitor and pretend to snore. You're not fooling me). Zoey didn't sleep well as a baby, but that was because of her constant ear infections. Once we got them straightened out, the kid slept like a log. Quinn was a little bit like Cooper, until we performed the exorcism.

Just kidding. Or am I?

My mom had an old wives tale when it came to kids not sleeping. It meant that they had their days and nights mixed up, and slept during the day and were wide awake at night. Of course Cooper never sleeps, but that's beside the point. Mom's way of curing this was to flip their ass. I'm not performing a wrestling move on my kid, so don't bother calling CPS. What you do is flip your kid slowly 360 degrees over their bed, and it gets their days and nights straightened out. I'm not kidding, but once we did it with Quinn, she was sleeping through the night every single night within two days. Hell, it might have worked too good, because when she was a baby she'd sleep 16 hours straight. So, this morning, Russ and I flipped Coop. That kid better sleep tonight because Russ is going out to play pool, and I've got a date with Bob Harper to tone my ass. Hopefully it works, but if not, I've ordered a voice activated sound/light machine for his crib to calm him down when he cries so I can get a little shut-eye.

Let's see, what else do I have to tell you about Coop. He eats in the portable highchair now, like a big boy. I ordered one for Mom's house. Once it comes in, I'll be able to stop breaking my arm carrying him around in his pumpkin seat (Mom puts him in that to feed him). He's the sweetest boy in the entire world, and he still loves to give his Momma kisses. Oh, yeah, and he can say Momma, but he only says it when he wants something, like freedom from his jumperoo. He eats #2 foods, and screams when they're empty, because he's a hungry little thing. He protects his dogs and sisters by screaming bloody murder whenever Daddy messes with them (wrestling is NOT tolerated in our home). He loves to take his Grandpa's hat off of him, and loves to play with toys.

Basically, I love him to death, and I'm so glad he's here. It's like he always has been. My munchkin boy...

Reasons I'm sure God is a man...

2010-01-23T13:09:00.002-05:00

*Men can pee outside. Sometimes it's a pain to have to go inside or use a port-a-potty. Those things are Nasty, with a capital N.

*Don't even get me started on pregnancy and childbirth.

*I have been working my ass off, literally and figuratively, for the last three weeks. I've been working out constantly and eating healthy crap (and sometimes really missing my fast food), and I've lost 8 pounds. I was extremely pleased with myself, until I discovered that my husband has lost 8 pounds this month by drinking more water. Bastard.

*Boobs. They just get in the way. Men may get moobs, but they never have to harness those puppies into a bra. Plus, they can run without giving themselves a black eye.

*So many sports teams to pick from, but only one George Clooney.

*Men can shave their head and look hot. If I tried that, I'd look like Sinead O'Connor.

Valentine's Day

2010-01-21T22:09:00.002-05:00

I keep seeing the ads for this movie, "Valentine's Day." I think to myself, "Self, this movie has a lot of people you LOVE. Anne Hathaway, Taylor Swift, Julia Roberts, Bradley Cooper, Shirley Maclaine, Jennifer Garner.... Hmm, wonder what the story is."

So, I go to Wikipedia:

The movie deals with casually intertwining stories of the heart that take place over the course of one Valentine's Day.

An on-leave army officer named Kate (Julia Roberts) is a passenger on a flight from Iraq to Los Angeles when she meets Holden (Bradley Cooper), a gay man whose lover is a closeted football player (Eric Dane). The owner of a florist shop, Reed (Ashton Kutcher) proposes to his girlfriend, Morley (Jessica Alba), while learning his best friend, Julia (Jennifer Garner), has a boyfriend named Harrison (Patrick Dempsey) who turns out to be married. An assistant named Liz (Anne Hathaway) is working at the biggest talent agency in town and is dating the mailroom assistant, Jason (Topher Grace). Julia's mother, Estelle (Shirley MacLaine) is a happy retiree who must reveal an affair from long ago to her husband, Edgar (Hector Elizondo), but for their granddaughter (Emma Roberts) is going to have sex with her boyfriend at her high school, in which Tyler Harrington (Taylor Lautner) and Samantha Kenny (Taylor Swift) who also go there are athletic teenagers who are deeply in love. Meanwhile, a publicist named Kara (Jessica Biel) is seemingly alone with no date on Valentine's Day working for her boss Kelvin Briggs (Jamie Foxx) whom she falls in love with working together. Oscar-winning actress Kathy Bates makes an appearance as a "love therapist." Joe Jonas voices the dog of Alba's character Morley. The in-depth storylines of Queen Latifah and George Lopez, are currently unknown as of December 26, 2009.

Huh?

It sounds like there is no connection between these different scenes, and I have a feeling I would be totally lost. Wait.....

Joe Jonas is Jessica Alba's dog? The dog talks?

What a pile of poo.

Interesting evening, indeed.

2010-01-20T19:10:00.002-05:00

I've learned many things in just one evening.

When you make dinner, as you have thousands of nights before, and put your favorite blue Anchor glass casserole pan in the sink and run cold water in it, as you have done many times in the seven and a half years since you got it as a wedding gift, it will explode into a million pieces the minute your back is turned.

The instant the glass hits the floor, the children will come running to see what happened and nearly slice a toe off.

The dogs will come a-running, because they don't mind eating glass if it tastes of beef gravy.

Invariably, the pan will shatter on the side of the sink lacking a strainer, because it has a garbage disposal.

You will then spend an hour picking every last chunk of blue glass out of the garbage disposal, getting tiny cuts (almost like paper cuts) all over the back of your right hand that burn like a mutha.

You hope to settle down for the evening, but then realize that you have to help Quinn practice reading her phonics books.

Despite the fact that Quinn will refer to the book as her "Sam and Al" book, all sixteen times Al is referenced, she will only refer to him as Sal, making you want to put said book through a paper shredder and then flush the resulting confetti down a clogged toilet.

If Quinn is getting attention for practicing reading, Zoey will try to kick the book.

If Zoey hurts her foot kicking Quinn's book, she will refer to said foot as a pussy (or a "footsy" but it sure sounded like pussy).

Once Quinn discovers that the word pussy is funny, she will NOT stop saying pussyfoot.

Your stomach will begin to hurt terribly, because you're trying to not laugh at your five year old saying "pussyfoot" because it's inappropriate, but at the same time, it's really funny.

Your two year old will not appreciate you laughing at her, and I'm pretty sure she will say "F*%$ you" but you really can't be sure.

Once all of this shit goes down, Mommy and Daddy want to get the children to bed IMMEDIATELY. And then Mommy will have to blog.

...For the Rest of Us.

2010-01-20T12:35:00.001-05:00

As my fellow Seinfeld fans know, December 23 was Festivus, the holiday for the rest of us. With all the hub-bub surrounding the holiday season, I was unable to make my list of greivances for my family. Without further ado, here they are.

Russ
1. How does a grown man choke on spaghetti?
2. You know those prongs inside the dishwasher? They help guide you as to where to put the dishes. Perhaps you should just leave the dishes for me, because having to reload it and run it for a second time to get the dishes clean is getting a little old. And costly.
3. When I say it's fine for you to go to bed at 8 pm since you have to be at work at 5 am, I expect you to sleep. I don't expect you to stay up until 10 pm watching stupid fake ghost hunting shows and reading, while I'm trying to juggle working out and taking care of Cooper D. (See Cooper #2)
4. While I appreciate you doing laundry, I don't appreciate that you do your uniforms first, your clothes second, and then MAYBE the kids laundry and my laundry may get done.
5. When I am home, I have at least two out of the three children with me. When you are home, you sometimes only have the oldest, helpful one. Would it kill you to vacuum? (See Dogs #3)

Quinn
Let me just say to start off that I don't really blame you for anything you do, Quinnie. I have a theory about children that follows the doggy pancake logic. When you make pancakes, the first one's a little misshapen and lumpy, so you throw the first one to the dog. Kids follow the same logic. I'm not saying you're misshapen and lumpy. I'm just saying that with your first kid, you don't know what the hell you're doing, so you kind of screw up all the time and "throw them to the dog." Sorry. Just your lousy luck in the ovary lottery, kiddo.
1. You have to start trying harder when it comes to your schoolwork. I don't care if you screw up. I don't care if you can't do it. I DO care that you try, though.
2. You've got to start staying in your bed at night. I'm pretty sure people would frown on the fact that I find you asleep all the time on the dog bed.
3. No, you cannot have chocolate animal crackers for lunch.
4. Why can't you close the van door in the morning when I drop you off at school?
5. Please stop leaving your markers on the floor (See Zoey #2 and Dogs #1)
6. The proper answer when we ask "Do you have on clean underwear?" is not "I don't know."

Zoey
1. How do you get your foot stuck in between slats in a dining room chair?
2. Why do you think it's okay to give yourself a tattoo sleeve with markers?
3. Can you just go ahead and do your business in the potty so I can stop shelling out cash for diapers?
4. Stop hiding to poop. Seriously. Ooh, or just see #3. We'll shut the door and give you privacy, I swear.
5. When I put things up in your room as decoration, it is not your job to use them to redecorate.
6. Stop grabbing stuff out of your sister's hands. We have an entire floor dedicated to your toys. I am POSITIVE you can find something else to play with.
7. Stop poking yourself in the hoo-hah and laughing. It's completely inappropriate.

Cooper
1. When you're in your crib, I expect you to SLEEP. I'm getting a little sick of the 12:30 and 5:30 wake up call, with occasional bonus wake up calls throughout the night.
2. When Mommy's trying to work out, you need to play quietly in your jumperoo or take a nap. Do you want a fat momma?
3. When I try and feed you baby food or a bottle, can you stop looking around? It's kind of hard aiming it for your mouth and I've ruined a few outfits already.
4. In conjunction with Zoey's #7, when I change your diaper and wipe your...well, bits... please stop giggling.

Muffin and Izzy (the dogs)
1. Please stop eating the girls' crayons and markers. While I appreciate the kaleidoscope of colors I see while pooper scooping the back yard, it's getting a bit old.
2. Get out of the damn trash can. You cannot be that hungry. You get fed plenty, and based on the looks of the two of you, you could live off the land for a few days.
3. Izzy, can you go ahead and make up your mind? I understand that as an Arctic dog, you like to have a summer coat and a winter coat, and must shed one to get the other. I could deal with that if it happened twice a year. I CANNOT deal with it when it happens with every 10 degree temperature fluctuation. We live in a climate that changes every week. Stop with the hair, please.
4. Please stop falling asleep on top of the afghans Russ' Grandma Kerner made us. Part of my bedtime routine should not be untangling you from them.
5. Muffin, please stop trying to jump on the bed at night. You're little and old. I am not the type to get my dog a stepstool because she can't jump high enough. Sleep on the dog bed. Just shove Quinnie over.

Potty training

2010-01-19T11:23:00.002-05:00

I am NOT good at potty training. I'll admit it. I have no shame. But really? It's something that you do once per child. It's not really a profitable skill, now, is it? You're not going to be the worldwide expert in potty-training children. You can't set up a shop somewhere where people bring their children to you to potty-train. Well, I guess you could, but that may be the ickiest job description EVER.

At some point, whether you try or not, the kid's going to get sick of sitting in their own excrement, and decide to go on the toilet instead. In my children's generation of kids in my family, there is not a single child that was potty-trained before the age of three. Quinn, included. We tried potty training her, and it was pointless. When she was ready, she decided to start wearing underwear and going on the potty, and she never had an accident. Not even at night.

Reason for this explanation? Zoey will turn three in April. No, I have not potty trained her. No, I have not really tried. No, I really don't give two shits about it. Look, she goes on the potty. When she wants to. She's really not interested in giving up time in her busy schedule of coloring, destroying things, and watching Tom and Jerry. She'll do it when she does it. I'll admit I'm getting sick of changing her and buying diapers, but I'm not going to force her to do something she's not willing to do. We've bought pull-ups, but she doesn't find them comfortable, and won't put them on. We've bought her underwear of her very own, and again, she doesn't really care. I'd work on it if she was going to preschool, but she's not. She goes to my parents house, where they have no potty requirements. Except Mom's whole rule that the kids should try and poop on our watch, and not hers (smart woman, huh?).

Now, recently, on a Monday, she decided she'd like to give it a shot. She peed on the potty, and put on a pull up. Which she promptly took off ten minutes later, and started running around naked.

Here is the integral part of the story: never give a child a pull-up that is easily removable when she is one of those kids who likes to hide somewhere to poop. In the end (no pun intended), it is much more trouble than it's worth.

Jan. 19 Blast from the Past

2010-01-19T08:31:00.002-05:00

I loved Bon Jovi when I was a kid. I was CONVINCED when I was eight that I would grow up to marry Jon. I could have spelled my name Bongiovi if he really wanted me to. He had the best hair. Still does, for that matter. I guess he married his high school sweetheart though. That's nice. I guess. For her. My favorite song from when I was younger is I'll Be There For You. This is the live version because the original video couldn't be embedded.

Customer service.

2010-01-15T12:12:00.002-05:00

Has customer service truly gone the way of the VHS? Is it hanging somewhere with parachute pants and 8-tracks?

I went to the bank to cash my check before coming to work (God, I miss working at a large company where there is direct deposit). As I pulled up in the drive thru, I could see three tellers inside. Two were waiting on customers, while the third, who was coincidentally the closest to the drive-thru, was not. She completely ignored me. I'm not talking, "Oh, I didn't see you were here." I mean, "I totally know you're there, but I've got more important shit to do. Step off."

As I sat there. And sat there. AND SAT THERE (only able to listen to Dora, because there were children in the vehicle, which equals no radio for Mommy), I watched her. She was fulfilling her busy schedule of texting, taping pictures to her computer monitor, and filing her nails. I don't know if she was on a break, but there's got to be someplace to go when you work in a bank and you take a break, that doesn't consist of your teller boothy thing, ignoring customers who are in a hurry. Eventually, one of the other tellers came to wait on me when she got done with her customer inside.

Seriously. I work in customer service, and while I may feel like working on my Facebook farm instead of waiting on customers, I am almost always standing at the front counter by the time they come inside. I don't get a lunch break, per se, so there were times when I was pregnant with Cooper that I would have to let my macaroni and cheese get cold and my orange soda get warm (hey, I had weird cravings and I had to gain weight) to wait on people, but I did it with a smile.

IT'S CALLED CUSTOMER SERVICE, WOMAN. NOT I'LL WAIT ON YOU AFTER MY BREAK.

MLK Day.

2010-01-15T11:53:00.002-05:00

Last night, as I was washing Quinn's hair, I mentioned to her that she would have a three day weekend coming up. She said, "I know. For Dr. King's birthday."

I was so pleased that she actually was being taught SOMETHING at that school, and didn't just see the upcoming holiday as just another day. I was a little shocked that she's in kindergarten and being taught about Martin Luther King, because I don't remember knowing about him until I was older, but then again, I wasn't expected to be able to count to 50 five months into the school year (we have two weeks. Help me little baby Jesus).

I asked her what she had learned about Dr. King.

"A long time ago, black people weren't allowed to sit in the same restaurant or use the same potty as white people, and Dr. King stopped that," she replied.

Good, right?

Well, maybe not.

Here's my beef: for the last five and a half years, I have made a conscious effort to keep race a non-issue. Quinn didn't know there were different distinctions between people. She didn't realize that there were people with different skin colors, and surely didn't realize that people were suppressed because of them. I'm not saying that she's only met white people. I'm saying that she's met people of all different colors, and never really thought about the fact that they might look a little different from her. In fact, I think she's probably met people from more countries than most kindergartners. As I've worked in research for almost ten years, and there are a lot of people from other countries that work in the medical/research field, we've socialized with so many races and people from different countries. Quinn has met white people, black people, and Asians. She's met people from England, Australia, Israel, India, China, Poland, Mexico, and occasionally a stray American here and there. She's played with all their children, and never thought about it for a moment. Russ and I have racists in our family, but they know at this point that they risk losing an appendage if they say ANYTHING inappropriate in front of the kids. Quinn has never picked up the peach crayon and called it "the skin color." Of course, she colors most peoples' faces purple or green, but that's a discussion for another day.

Now one week of school has destroyed nearly six years of effort on my part to make sure my child always keeps an open mind. I appreciate her learning about Martin Luther King, but I think they should have kept it more generic for the time being until she's a little older and can understand the plight of different races. They could have just taught them that people who were different from the majority weren't allowed to do the same things, and Dr. King changed that. Am I right or wrong on this?

Jan. 12 Blast from the Past

2010-01-12T07:56:00.003-05:00

Just because when Russ and I went to California before we were married, the radio stations played this song CONSTANTLY! Lay Low by Snoop Dogg. Makes me think of driving to Pebble Beach and sneaking onto Monterey mansions' land to get pictures of the Pacific. Driving across the Golden Gate bridge to Muir Woods, hearing Russ complaining about me not letting him drive the truck I rented because he was under the age of 21 and would have cost me WAY too much money. Playing golf at Presidio in the fog with some random Scottish people. Going to Alcatraz (with seals yelling at us) to take pictures for my Uncle Gary and running into some friends from Delta. Eating SoMa pizza every night for dinner because they sold it by the slice.

What's for dinner?

2010-01-09T22:50:00.002-05:00

Zoey: Mommy? What's for dinna?

Me: London broil.

Zoey: What dat?

Me: It's like steak.

Zoey: Snake!?!?!?

Me: No, not snake. Steak.

Zoey: *Takes bite* I like da snake.

Me: Alrighty.

Zoey: Tomorrow we have cwocadigle?

Me: Only if that komodo dragon doesn't come in time....

Imaginary distraction.

2010-01-09T22:13:00.002-05:00

Oh, well. Another Bengals season down the tubes. At least we made it the playoffs, right? RIGHT? Well, there's always next year. Although probably not for Shayne Graham. I like the comparison of him to Ray Finkel (Finkel/Einhorn, Einhorn/Finkel). One Twitter post made me gasp a little: "Shayne Graham tried to commit suicide but he couldn't kick the chair out from under him." Eesh. Anyway, I know next July, you'll see Russ and I with the kids front and center in Georgetown for training camp, as we do every year. Hopefully HBO will be there again, because that was good for the team. Wait a minute. Maybe I hope HBO WON'T be there, so we can actually get a seat to watch practice.

Anyway. The game was high-tension for Russ, even to the point of him having to leave to get ice cream because he couldn't watch anymore, as he had already chewed all the skin off his fingers (I know, gross, but that's what he does when he's nervous. That and shakes his knee to the point that I throw something at him). Coincidentally, the Bengals scored when he left. Maybe next season I'll make him listen to all the games in the van.

At one point, the girls were being kind of annoying, messing with him, because they knew he wanted to watch the game. The man is smarter than people give him credit for:

Russ: Hey, girls. Can you go back in the hallway and look for the carpetmouse?

Quinn and Zoey (in unison): Sure, Daddy!

Me: Uh, Russ? What's a carpetmouse?

Russ: I don't know.

Me: Um...well....

Russ: The important thing is that THEY don't know what a carpetmouse is either, and maybe they'll stay back there so I can watch this damn game.

Me: You're brilliant. You know that? Now can you do that when Jersey Shore is on?

Stati aplenty.

2010-01-06T12:02:00.002-05:00

I have so much going on that I can't pick one thing for my Facebook status, so I'll just make me a little list.

Angie.....

....got the new Stephen King book from the library this morning. I'm terrified. Not because of the content, but because it is 1074 pages long, weighs more than my 6 month old, and the library only gave me one week to read it.

....is really glad that Denis took my electric readings for me. I'm thinking that Snow + Ice + Wooden docks near water + Me = Hypothermia because I would SO fall in.

....is REALLY glad that Denis took my readings, considering he found a 35 pound raccoon wandering around, fishing by the boats. Again, I would have fallen in seeing that. I get startled when a fish jumps out of the water.

....wishes I had a new pair of tennis shoes to workout with, because my dogs? They're a-barking.

....is glad that my mother-in-law finally got an e-mail address. Considering I'm terrified of the phone, now we can finally talk in my choice medium like I do everyone else in the free world.

....loves that the elementary school leaves voicemails for snow days, but wonders why they can't call at 6:30 or 7 am, instead of 5:27 in the fricking morning.

....wishes that her day didn't start off by seeing a dead body on the side of the road. Who knew that da hood had moved to Petersburg?

....do I really have to wait one more day for the Jersey Shore?

...wonders how the guy at Goodyear can legitimately say, "Oh that just means you need an alignment," when told that the wheel and tire he replaced is rubbing and clicking and altogether just sounds wrong. Wait, shouldn't you have aligned the tire when you put it on?

...is thinking we'll be having another snow day tomorrow. One in which I don't go to work either. Please little baby Jesus, keep the girls from fighting.

....can't figure out how the kids always end up in our bed in the morning. I don't hear them come in, but at some point I realize there's an elbow in my back.

...is kind of wishing I'd known I needed to order that printer cartridge earlier, considering I'm waiting on it to get the end of month done. Yeah, today's the 6th. And?

....apologizes for how Quinn dressed for school today. She did it herself, and I realize she's a hot mess.

Another season begins.

2010-01-05T23:10:00.002-05:00

*This will contain spoilers, so if you haven't watched this week's Biggest Loser, you may not to read on.*

Still with me? Alrighty then.

Tonight was the premiere of The Biggest Loser, which they hyped had the biggest cast ever. I'd say so with a fellow weighing in at 526 pounds and the "half-ton twins."

For the past few seasons, I've avoided watching The Biggest Loser. If I even see it's on, I've instantly changed the channel. Probably because they would have tried to make me feel bad for eating that entire bag of Lipton Mushroom Rice. In one sitting. Bastards. I decided to watch this season, as I'm trying to lose the fat chick that keeps stepping in front of me when I look in the mirror (uh, hello, ho. I'm trying to brush my hair. Step off.) Also, my mom is OBSESSED with this damn show. For the past few seasons, she'll ask, "Did you watch The Biggest Loser last night?" I always respond, "Nope. Haven't watched this season." Then she proceeds to tell me every last thing that happened. "Oh, those horrible people voted off my Tara. She was trying so hard. I hope she comes back and beats all of them!" Another favorite (that she uses with multiple reality shows) is "If they vote off so-and-so, I'm never watching the show again!" She always does, and I never know what she's talking about. Now, I'll actually be able to follow what she's saying instead of staring at her as if she grew horns.

Now. I have this theory about The Biggest Loser. What do most people do while watching the show? They sit their asses (which may or may not be getting fatter) on the couch, not exercising, and eating while they do it. That's partially why I wouldn't watch. I'd feel guilty for being lazy. Shouldn't those two hours be spent doing something productive for your health? Hey, I'm not saying that you shouldn't watch the show. I'm just saying that you possibly shouldn't finish off that Cherry Garcia while you watch the purple team lose over 40 pounds in one fricking week.

So guess what I did while I watched The Biggest Loser? Yep. That's right. I got on the elliptical. As they did their last chance workout, I worked my ass off, sweating like the pig I know I am. Every time it would go to commercial, I'd tell myself, "Self? Just make it to when the show comes back on." Then I'd have to make it to the next commercial break. I checked my online nutrition/fitness program, and I ended up being on the elliptical long enough to work off 500 calories. It helps when you're watching people over 300 pounds falling off treadmills, and you can think, "Well, I'm not quite as bad as the pink team." BTW? That girl couldn't have been THAT concerned with taking her shirt off for a weigh in considering she had a tramp stamp.

In the end, one of the "half-ton twins" went home. Let me preface what I'm about to say with saying that I don't feel THAT bad about poking a little fun of the people on the show, because I'm sure they're going to lose a shit-ton of weight, and if they don't with all that help, then they may deserve to be made fun of. That being said: I don't mind that we have half the twins to look at. The way they shaved made me think Wolverine got stung by a bee and was swollen.

Can't wait til next week to see how many Jonas Brothers each person can lose in weight from their body.

What are you learning?

2010-01-05T14:32:00.002-05:00

I'm afraid that Quinn is learning a little bit more than I had planned on in kindergarten, and only truly realized it in the past couple of weeks that she's had off.

I read somewhere that daughters gain low self-esteem and think that they're fat because they grow up hearing their mothers say, "Oh my god, I'm so fat. I need to go on a diet." I've made a conscious effort (having two daughters) to never say fat. In our house fat is the true F word (because let's be honest, the real F word is just too fun as an adjective to NOT use), and one can get in trouble for saying the word FAT (to the point where if Russ or I say it, one of the girls will point and say, "Uh-oh, Mommy said the eff word!").

Two conversations have caused me to think that I need to have some major in-depth talks with Quinn, because I want to know exactly where she gets this crap.

Convo #1 (takes place with the girls in the bathtub after dinner).

Quinn: Mommy, I've got a baby in my belly!

Me: I know you like to invite boys over for sleepovers, but I think 5 is a little young for you to have a baby in your belly.

(From another room) Russ: You better not have a baby in your belly, Quinn! I haven't bought my "Dating Shotgun" yet.

Quinn: No, no. It's a baby made from food!

Me: Quinn, are you saying you have a food baby?

Quinn: (proudly) Yup.

Me: It'll be gone in the morning.

Convo #2 (takes place also in the bathroom, oddly enough, when Quinn happens upon me getting dressed).

Quinn: Look at that big giant ass!

Me: Huh?

Quinn: Mommy, your ass is big and giant!

Me: Oh, you think so? My friends are always saying I have a pancake booty, but I've been working out, and these jeans are new. Do they make my butt look big? In a good way right? My butt isn't too big now is it? Wait. Did you just say ass?

Jan. 5th Blast from the Past

2010-01-05T07:53:00.001-05:00

The Humpty Dance by Digital Underground. Check out 2pac. Yo, fat girl. Are you ticklish?

Porn Tweet

2010-01-02T22:48:00.002-05:00

I VERY rarely use my Twitter account. I think it was over two weeks ago that I used it, and my tweet was simply, "Momma sleepy." As I was EXTREMELY sleepy, and I'm nothing but honest. Basically, I use my Twitter account to keep up with various celebrity nonsense, as well as keeping track of what Chad Ochocinco is up to, and where we might be able to "run into him." That location usually being the AMC on the Levee. Can you tell my husband is fairly obsessed with the Cincinnati Bengals? Anyway, color me surprised when I get an email tonight saying that I have a new Twitter follower. Who, you may ask?

Traci Lords. Twitter username: thetracilords.

If you don't know who that is, we may not be able to be friends, as you've lived under a rock your entire life. Either that, or you are a better person than me. You may know her as appearing in a few John Waters movies, such as Crybaby, and you know how I love my John Waters flicks. But I'm not following any tweets from John Waters' casts. She's probably more famous for being one of the most famous porn stars in history. Active in the 80's, she was on the news more often than any porn star for looking like she was 30, but actually being underage for most of her films, which are now illegal.

Now, here's my question: why the hell is a former porn star following ME? What about my inactive twitter profile pulls in Traci Lords? What's next? Ron Jeremy? Hold on.... Just checked Twitter. I think I'm safe from Ron Jeremy, as he doesn't seem to have an account, although his "equipment" has a few different accounts. Is it my blog pulling in porn stars? Was it random? WHAT IS GOING ON?

3 Days Later

2010-01-02T22:16:00.002-05:00

Imagine that blog title in a Jacques Cousteau voice, as we have nearly exclusively been watching Spongebob Squarepants in our house this week.

So, I'm really throwing myself whole heartedly into this weight loss thing. I won't refer to it as a New Year's Resolution, because resolutions seem to be something that you'll try, but you won't be terribly upset if it doesn't work out. The only reason I waited for New Year's to start is because I really wanted to indulge in holiday food. Now I'm ready. This HAS to be a lifestyle change for me. I just had my third child, and none of us can take another one for a few years (or ever if you talk to my parents), so this is the perfect time for me to get healthy and THIN. I want to look good for my husband. I want to be in good shape to play with my kids (and maybe put the girls through some soccer drills). More than anything, I just want to lose weight for myself, so that I can wear the cute clothes that I know I can pull off (I'm really good at putting outfits together - did you SEE my mother at my wedding? I did that, thank you very much. I'm just too big to wear them myself). For years, I've been avoiding my friends because I'm so self-conscious about how I look, and I just don't have nice clothes that fit right to wear out. For years, I've just thought to myself, "Well, so-and-so is WAY bigger than me, so I'm fine." As long as the Jerry Springer show is around to document someone being removed from their apartment via crane, there will ALWAYS be someone bigger than me. However, I've realized that the people I compare myself to are just getting larger, so I get larger along with them. NO MORE.

When I worked at UC, I was given an account to a weight loss website, and I'm finally using it. I'm tracking my calories, and my workouts. I got a little bit down when I entered in my current weight, my goal weight, and my timeframe, and the program responded with the equivalent of "You MUST be joking. The only way that's going to happen is if you cut off an arm, a leg, and your head, and then we just weigh your torso. Try again." This may take a while.

You'll be proud of me though. I've been reading alot online of the best way to go about things, although most of it is lame bodybuilders talking about the best way to bulk up obscure muscles like the gracilis, which sounds dirty but is in the leg. I'm doing Bob's boot camp. Bob, being Trainer Bob from the Biggest Loser, who I love love love and hate hate hate. I alternate between drooling over his abs and tatted arms, and screaming profanity at the screen for him making me hold that squat for one more count of 8. "Just an inch lower!" he screams. "Just bend over, Bob! I'll shove that inch up your ass!" I respond. Anyway, Bob's boot camp is major circuit training, using weights at the same time as doing lunges, squats, etc. In two weeks, I start part two, which I am slightly terrified of, and two weeks after that is part three, which adds in resistance bands (help me little baby Jesus). I've been doing it for three nights now. The first night was rough, and I will admit I came very close to throwing up. Now I feel a major burst of pride in finishing strong, and I know I can do it, and I especially know I can keep up with it after tonight, when Cooper stayed in his Jumperoo throughout the whole thing. Plus, yesterday I put in my time on the elliptical.

Today I went to Walmart to get my lunch, and I got a cobb salad with egg, bacon, and chicken. I ate just until I was full, and tracked my calories. While I was there, I did what some of those muscle-bound dorks online suggested, and picked up whey protein, which is completely disgusting. Why they say it tastes like a chocolate shake is beyond me, because to me it tastes as if I have ground up a whole box of chalk. However, it will help me build lean muscle, which will burn calories faster, so I'm in. Tomorrow I will go grocery shopping and fill the house with good stuff to eat instead of the usual crap. For god's sake, I ate cottage cheese as a snack yesterday.

So wish me luck, and I'll take any pointers you can give me. And a brand new pair of sneakers, size 9.5 W would be helpful, too.

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T11:07:00.003-05:00

Ah, the minutes are ticking away to the end of 2009. It's been a long year. A year in which I spent 7 months heavily pregnant, and then welcomed my baby boy in the midnight hour while commenting on Edie Falco's ugly dress on David Letterman. A year where I transitioned from a boring research job to an awesome secretarial job where I don't constantly feel like I'm behind the eight-ball. A year where my oldest started kindergarten and gained an attitude and a mean streak, along with a little bit of reading skill. A year where nearly every celebrity died suddenly and tragically (God, if you even THINK about touching one hair on Madonna's head....).

I am not, however, looking forward to 2010. 2010 is the year in which I will finally lose the baby weight. Oh, I'm not speaking of the weight gain from having Quinn, Zoey, and Cooper. I'm talking about my baby fat from when I was a baby. I know I have the capacity somewhere inside me to get thin. It's gotta be in there. When I look in the mirror, I don't see the Jabba the Hut-like figure you all see. I see a skinny girl who that big girl ate, and the skinny girl is fighting like hell to get out.

I'll be starting the South Beach diet again. So, salads every day for me, and I may have to try that dreaded food that I have hated since I was 5 and my mom made it every damn day for lunch: TUNA. God, it smells bad, and tastes worse. Why do people like it so much? I'll be cutting out all fruit, bread, candy, and potatoes. Basically everything that tastes good. It's going to be a struggle, but I think I'm ready for it.

As far as working out, I'm going to alternate between my elliptical machine and my Biggest Loser DVD's. Of course Mom had to get me ones for Christmas with titles like "Boot Camp" and "Cardio MAX." Didn't they make one titled, "Here, let's start out slow. Just sit your ass on the couch and lift your legs occasionally?" At tax time, we'll be getting our Wii Fit, so I'll get a couple of cool games to work out with, including The Biggest Loser for Wii. I'm much more likely to do it if I have some sort of competition and get to score points. Either way, as long as I get to yell profanity at Trainer Bob.

I suppose there are some things to look forward to in 2010. In August, Quinn will move to first grade, which means a full day, and we won't have to pay daycare a buttload of money anymore. She can stay at the elementary school for a few minutes until Russ picks her up. My cousin Patrick and my step-nephew Zach will be graduating from high school. Russ will turn 30 in July (the poor delusional boy thinks I'm throwing him a party in our backyard).

Let's hope that 2010 will be as blessed for everyone else as 2009 was for us. Happy New Year!

Fear of God.

2009-12-30T15:28:00.002-05:00

Does anyone have a spare wig? Last week and this week are Quinn's Christmas break, and I'm afraid by the end of it, my mother may have ripped out all of her hair from having all three of my children while I'm at work. The baby is super-good, as always, although there is that constant carrying and feeding and not doing anything for himself aspect. The girls, however, are mean girls. They fight with each other over trivial things, and tattle, and just basically act like a couple of shrews. Then I talked to my mother on the phone this afternoon.

Mom: Hello.

Me: Hi, Mom. Man, it's super quiet there.

Mom: Oh, the girls are coloring quietly at the kitchen table.

Me: How did you manage that?

Mom: I just told them that if they were loud and woke Cooper up, then they'd have to take care of him the rest of the day, poopy diapers and all. Since then, they haven't spoken above a whisper.

Me: Can I use that?

Happy New Year Blast from the Past

2009-12-29T08:17:00.001-05:00

Really? What else did you expect me to post but Prince, 1999?

Santa Interrogation

2009-12-22T15:13:00.002-05:00

We took Quinnie and the babies to her school to see Santa in the library. It was cookies with Santa night, but slightly disappointing, considering the cookies were Chips Ahoy and Oreos with some Koolaid, and you couldn't eat in the library. Instead, you were hanging out by the pencil machine. Wait, where was I? Oh, yeah, Santa. We rushed into the library, at which point, Quinn decided she needed to get to the bottom of this "Santa" business, once and for all.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho.

Quinn: Hi, Santa.

Santa: Hello! What's your name?

Quinn: Quinn. Where are your reindeer, Santa?

Santa: Oh, they're hiding, Quinn. Ho ho ho.

Quinn: Where are they? Let me see them.

Santa: Oh, you can't see them until Christmas. Ho. Ho.

Quinn: Are they on the roof? Because I'll look when we leave.

Santa: No they're not here.

Quinn: How did you get here then? Do you have a car?

Santa: Look, I caught a ride from somebody.

Quinn: Oh, yeah? Who?

Santa: Listen, why don't you go get a cookie or something?

I was waiting for Zoey to chime in as the good cop. "Wisten, Sissy. Maybe Santa's tewwing the twuth. Give him the benefit of the dout. Big guy, just show us the weindeer and nobody gets huwt."

Merry Christmas Blast from the Past

2009-12-22T08:00:00.004-05:00

I could have gone the traditional route for a Christmas song. Bing Crosby. I could post the Snow Miser song. Perhaps a traditional Santa Claus tune? Nah, that's not me. RUN-DMC. Christmas in Hollis.

Dec. 15 Blast from the Past

2009-12-15T08:16:00.001-05:00

Do you know how I spent every summer vacation as a child? Well, besides going to the Fogle's house and hanging out with them. Oh, and going across the street and hanging out with Sunshine and Jesse. Or going down to the Bucher's house to chill with Renee. Alright. Do you want to know how I spent two or three hours every morning of my summer vacation as a child while I waited for all of my friends to stop sleeping in? I would put my walkman's earphones on, hop on my little lavendar and white bike and just ride up and down Hanover street, over and over again, listening to Madonna tapes, and singing at the top of my lungs. Told you: nothing seems to embarrass me.

Madonna. Borderline.

Mean girls.

2009-12-12T12:18:00.003-05:00

I'm afraid that Quinnie is already experiencing mean girls, and perhaps becoming one herself. The problem lies in the fact that she's a lot like me, in that she is better friends with boys than girls. If you ask her who she sat with on the bus for the field trip, it was Zachariah. She sits with Logan and Dominick on the bus home. It's hardly ever a girl. She plays with Sarah Grace once or twice a week, but that's probably just because we share a backyard. Well, last week, she was the victim of meanness.

Quinn: Mommy, Jenna was mean to me.

Me: Oh, yeah? How? (thinking this was going to be like when Peyton was "mean" to her).

Quinn: I wanted to play the game with her during computers but she said 'No. Only me and Elizabeth are playing this one. Go away.'

Me: Well, that was kind of mean. What did you do?

Quinn: I went to another computer and played with Marshall.

Well, I guess she handled it right, but she went right to another boy, which really doesn't endear herself to the girls. After all, boys have cooties.

A couple of days later, I realized that the meanness is wearing off onto Quinnie though. She was going through her color rhymes. In order for the kids to learn colors and rhyming words, they have a book to read with funny pictures, which has stuff like "Gray gray ate a lunch tray" or "Yellow yellow sat in jello." Quinnie was reading it to herself while I loaded the dishwasher, and I heard her mutter:

"Brown brown your jeans fell down. Yeah, Jenna. Heh heh heh."

Ah, she's learned maniacal laughter early. She IS my child!

Christmas.

2009-12-12T11:51:00.002-05:00

I think I'm officially done Christmas shopping. Thank the lord in heaven, because I hate that crap. Although I am a really great shopper and really efficient with my time and money. Want to know what I got everybody?

Well, I got my father in law a .... crap, we have mutual family members who read this. They might spill the beans. Same thing with the mother in law. Both really great gifts though.

I got my mom and dad .... crap again. Mom reads this. Same with my brother. Well, they're all going to love their gifts.

I guess we'll just have to stick with the kids. And if you tell my kids what I got them, I will slug you.

Have I ever mentioned that I'm crafty? Not in a sneaky sort of way, but in a painting sort of way. Well, last month, Quinn "accidentally" knocked Zoey's piggy bank off her dresser, which just devastated her. I looked on Etsy for piggy banks and they were $40. Instead, I'm making them for the kids for about $10 each. Each girl is getting a handpainted piggy with their names and flowers on them, and Cooper is getting a car bank with his name on it. I'll clear coat them and everything so they'll look really nice and shiny. And I'll ask them to keep them off of high surfaces. I'm also handpainting fairy wands for the girls, because they're always fighting over the generic ones. These will have their names on them, so they won't be able to fight. I've also bought Chalkboard paint and I'm going to make a HUGE chalkboard downstairs in their playroom for them.

I went to Target and bought the girls stuff like Barbies, books, DVD's, board games, coloring books, etc. I've learned my lesson. Zoey thinks she's five, so if I bought something for Quinn, I bought a second one for Zoey. That way they're not fighting over EVERYTHING. Bought Coop a lot of teethers and rattly toys, blocks, thing with buttons, etc.

Really proud of my online shopping though. I managed to find a bunch of coupon codes the weekend of Black Friday and Cyber Monday.

From Old Navy, I got all three kids a bunch of clothes. I don't think one item was over $5, except for Quinn's jeans, which were still pretty good at $10 (considering their cheapest jeans are usually $20).

The best deal was from Vtech though. A while ago, Zoey ruined Quinn's leapster game by painting over it with my favorite hot pink nail polish (my poor toes sure do miss that shade). We couldn't get it off, and ended up having to throw it away. I thought about getting Quinn a replacement for Christmas, but I would have had to get Zoey one too, considering they fought over it. I considered going to Toys R Us Thanksgiving night at midnight since they were $30 each, but then I realized that I'm not clinically insane (yet). The lowest price I could find was $50, which I just wasn't into. Instead, I found the VSmile Vmotion. Basically, it's like a kids version of a Wii. The controllers aren't attached and the characters move with the controller motion, but all the games are educational. This way, when Russ and I get our Wii at tax time, maybe they won't mess with it? Anyway, I got the game system, an extra controller and two games for $68 and free shipping (would have normally cost about $150). See? I'm a hella good shopper.

MIA

2009-12-12T11:35:00.002-05:00

Angie Beth! Where have you been? Not in the blogosphere, that's for sure. Want to know my reasons?

1. It's Christmas time, and I have been spending every waking hour involved with THAT. I had to go shopping myself, then resorted to online shopping when the crowds and my claustrophobia and antisocial tendencies started making me hyperventilate. Then I've spent a lot of time talking my mom down from the ledge because she had to go shopping, but hates the drive to any of the malls, and couldn't find anyone to go with, and there was bad weather, etc. I had to write out Christmas cards. I had to get a coloring book and crayons for Quinn's gift exchange at school (btw, how great is that? I always hate having to find a gift for a girl for under $5. Oh, how about a stick of gum little girl?), and then wrapping them.

2. This week at Quinn's school drained my life force. Monday night, I had to sign a permission slip for Tuesday morning's field trip downtown to a holiday play. Then Tuesday night I had to fill out a form and send money for Quinn to do secret shopping for us at school (Russ is getting a mug and I'm getting a ring. The kid is not one for secrets). Then Wednesday night we went back to school for the kids to do Cookies with Santa. Thursday night was the night from hell. Homework was the letter K, which Quinn has always had a problem with. After one line of uppercase and not being able to figure out lowercase, she quit and put her homework in her backpack undone. I considered letting her find out the repercussions, but instead we took an hour to make her do it. Then we had to do another "family project" (remember that damn turkey in disguise?), where we had to put pictures of our family inside a house made of paper and then decorate the house. I hope the teacher doesn't have a problem with the doors to the house being on the roof, but Quinn had already drawn them before I could stop her. I had to wrap the gift exchange gifts, and look for a show and tell item with the letter K. I'm seriously looking forward to her two week Christmas break.

3. I've been perplexed as to how to continue writing. If I write about the kids, one day they may hate me for the ridicule. If I write about Dad, someone invariably tells him and he gets pissed. If I write about Russ, someone makes fun of him. So, let's all make an agreement. What's written here stays here. Don't rat me out, and I'll keep writing.

4. I will not pretend that I'm busy at work. I'm busy playing every game known to man. My boss and my mother have me hooked on playing mahjong online. The boss will even call you when he plays and clears the board so that you can hear the sound effects. Lame, but work-sanctioned game playing is a nice way to pass the time. Then on Facebook, I'm super lame. I play Cafe World, Farmville, Yoville, Petville, Fishville. All the Villes. I can't stop it. I think I have a problem.

5. WHY DOES MY CHECK ENGINE LIGHT COME ON RANDOMLY IN MY VAN? It will come on suddenly, and be on for a day or so, then go off again. It's driving me fricking nuts. The van is running fine. Err.

6. I am handpainting gifts for the kids (at work, no less). That takes me away from the computer.

7. And the main reason I haven't blogged lately? I'm lazy and thinking makes my brain hurt.

Dec. 8 Blast from the Past.

2009-12-08T07:39:00.001-05:00

I love me some Janet Jackson. I still remember the day I wore a house key on my big silver hoop earring in 5th grade, because that's how Miss Janet wore hers. That lasted about 10 minutes (when I realized I'm a big ass dork).

The name is Angie. Mrs. Heizer if you're Nasty.

If.

Dec. 1 Blast from the Past

2009-12-01T07:27:00.001-05:00

I think today is a Nirvana day. Man, I was obsessed with them. Did you realize that it's been 15 years since Kurt Cobain died?

My favorite was a song of David Bowie's they covered during MTV Unplugged, called The Man Who Sold the World.

My favorite old song? About a Girl from Bleach. Pre-Dave Grohl.

Another fave is Rape Me. Check out the weirdness that is French television, including their outfits. But I love me some Pat Smear.

God, I could put every single Nirvana song on here.

4 month checkup.

2009-11-29T13:14:00.002-05:00

I just realized that it's been six days since Cooper's four month checkup and I didn't keep you posted.

Well, he gained three pounds since his two month visit. He actually should have gained a little bit more to maintain his previous percentile, but he only dropped from 75% to 64%, so I don't think we'll worry. He grew three inches since his last visit, putting him at the 95%, and a total of seven inches since birth. Mom thinks that Cooper's going to tower over my dad, who is over six feet. All the men in my family are super tall, so I get where he gets it.

Let's see... everything's good healthwise. He's got a bit of a rash under his neck from moisture (because he's a chubbers and his skin rubs), so we have some ointment for that. Zoey had the same thing.

Dr. D kept asking questions. Oh, not about Cooper. About Russ' work at Budweiser (he was wearing his uniform). A first time mother might have been panicky, but at three I'm a pro. Except for the adhesions from his circumcision that had to be pulled apart. Poor little guy.

Coop got two shots plus the rotavirus oral vaccine. Then, the trickery began. We covertly got the girls their seasonal flu shots, and they were PISSED that we didn't tell them. Screaming and carrying on and running from the shot AND the band-aid. I'll tell you, Cooper gave the girls the dirtiest look, in essence saying, "Hey, whiney-asses. Shut the hell up. I just got two shots and some nasty-tasting stuff, and you're crying over one shot?"

Oh, and sidebar? Quinnie's new boyfriend is Dominick, and she was so excited to show him her shot the next day (thank god it was on her arm and not in a nether region). He thought it was "cool." Oh, and she made him bring her a pack of cheese crackers. Some kids like jewelry. My kid likes snacks.

So that was all the medical stuff about Cooper. Now, here's some of the not so medical stuff.

He's got the most beautiful long dark eyelashes. Girls will be jealous of him.

His hair started to fall out, but it has come back in now, still brown. Finally, a kid who looks just like me.

He loves to give kisses, which kind of seem like he's trying to eat your face.

His giggles melt your heart.

He never cries.

He sleeps through the night, but sometimes wakes up a bit early, and all he wants is a snuggle with us.

He loves his Papaw, and especially loves his glasses. Good thing Dad's got an extra pair.

He goes by Cooper, Coop, Big Dog, Cooper D. Pooper (Cooper D for short), Small Fry, Little Man, and anything else that pops into our heads (I tried Coop Doggy Dog yesterday - not sure if that one will stick).

We all love him so much, and so glad that he decided to be persistent and come along when he did.

Conundrum.

2009-11-29T10:21:00.002-05:00

Last night, Gary and Jason and Russ went out to the bar. It used to be TJ's, and then Trifecta's, and now it's called Club Trinity. I'm convinced it's turned into a gay bar, but they say no. I went to bed around midnight (I know. I'm just a wild woman, huh?)

At 4 am, I rolled over to see that the other side of the bed was empty. Well, as empty as it could be with a fat ass ancient cocker spaniel sleeping on it. My TV was still on (man, there are stupid infomercials on at 4 am). I figured he just got drunk and was staying at Gary's or asleep on the couch. Then I thought, "Crap, maybe I better check my phone and make sure." I came out to the living room, and all the lights I left on for him to get in the house were still on. My crackberry had no new texts or missed calls. I couldn't figure out where he was. I realized that the downstairs hallway light was on. I went downstairs, but couldn't find Russ because there were no other lights on. Then I heard a loud and distinctive snore. I found Russ asleep on his belly on the bathroom floor, which is no small feat, considering our downstairs bathroom has multi levels (one for the sink, one for the shower, one for the toilet).

Here are the things that ran through my mind:

I should TOTALLY take a picture of him like this. Should I use my Blackberry or get the good camera? Oh, he'd be PISSED if I took a picture. But it would be so funny.

I'm not sure I've ever heard him snore like that!

Oooh, this reminds me of when he got drunk on 151 and Chris had to put the top down on the convertible for Russ to puke.

Well, he's on his belly, with his head to his side, so if he throws up, he won't choke (see. I care.)

I wonder how he got the key in the front door.

Where are his clothes?

I'm glad Gary drove. I hope Gary and Jason got home okay.

I wonder if Russ puked at the bar?

Should I wake him up or let him sleep? Eh, I don't feel like smelling the beer/vomit combo in my sleep.

Should I get him a washcloth? Nah. Don't think so. I have to deal with enough sick people, and I'm not doing it when they do it to themselves.

He ended up coming up to bed at 5 am, which was probably a good thing, because the downstairs bathroom is actually inside the kids' playroom, and waking up to see Daddy sprawled out on the shitter floor may not have been the most helpful to their emotional states. Of course, he has already thrown up since they've been up, soo.....yeah. Now he can't find his glasses, but he found his pants. It's a start.

I so don't want to have to deal with a hangover today, especially when it's not mine.

Pilgrims and Indians.

2009-11-29T10:17:00.000-05:00

In school last week, Quinn learned all about Thanksgiving, and a little bit about pilgrims and Indians. She has a little booklet that they colored while they learned. As I flipped through, I noticed that the Pilgrims were all colored like real people, while the Indians were colored a bit like aliens. Think green skin and purple hair.

Me: Um, Quinnie? Why did you color the Indians like this?

Quinn: Indians are weird, Mommy.

Me: No they're not, Quinnie.

Quinn: I don't think they have hair.

Me: Uh, yeah they do.

Quinn: How do you know?

Me: Um, because I have Indian blood on both sides of the family. Which means that you do too.

Quinn: Indians are real?

Me: Yup.

Quinn: Can you shake hands with an Indian?

Me: Shake my hand. *Shake hands* You just shook hands with an Indian.

Quinn: They're still weird.

That damn holiday has just turned my kid into a self-hating Indian racist.

Grateful

2009-11-25T20:59:00.002-05:00

It's Thanksgiving. It's that time of year to count our blessings, and realize what we're thankful for. Big and small.

1. I'm thankful for my three healthy, beautiful children. Even when one tries to push the other down a flight of stairs.

2. I'm thankful for a husband who loves me. A husband who does laundry, takes out the recycling and the garbage, and washes dishes and bottles. Most of the time without me asking.

3. I'm thankful for parents who have sacrificed their retirement to take care of my kiddos.

4. I'm thankful for my brother, who had outstanding taste in music back in the day, which is why I know the Grateful Dead and the Doors.

5. I'm thankful for the invention of the DVR, so that I can spend a lazy Wednesday evening catching up on an entire season (so far) of Grey's Anatomy.

6. I'm thankful for my minivan, so that my entire family can ride comfortably in one vehicle.

7. I'm thankful for books and that I have so many libraries nearby.

8. I'm thankful for my house. It is small, and cramped, but it's a roof over my head.

9. I'm thankful for peanut butter, even though it is the bane of my chubby existence.

10. I'm thankful for all of my friends. I may not have time to see them very often, but thank god we all keep up with each other online.

11. I'm thankful for a year in which I've seen a lot of my family that I haven't seen in a very long time.

12. I'm thankful to have been one of the lucky ones with H1N1.

13. I'm thankful that I had canned pumpkin in my pantry so in the midst of a pumpkin shortage, my mom will still be making her yummy pumpkin pies for us on Thanksgiving.

14. I'm thankful for my job when so many don't have one. Especially considering mine has internet access and satellite TV.

15. I'm thankful for Once Upon a Child, so that my kids will always have clothes and baby gear, even if we can't afford brand new and no one offers hand-me-downs.

16. I'm thankful for this blog to get out some of my thoughts and feelings. Not all. Some.

17. I'm thankful that we unwittingly bought a house in a great school district.

18. I'm thankful for my family's relative health.

19. I'm thankful for everyone I love, all that I am, and all that I have.

20. I'm just thankful.

Lost in the lost symbol.

2009-11-25T15:07:00.003-05:00

I have to toot my own horn for a moment (because I will swing in the complete opposite direction momentarily) and say I'm a pretty intelligent person. Graduated from high school and college with one of the higher GPA's (definitely not the highest though). Got decent scores on my ACT and SAT (not great). Got accepted to quite a few good colleges, and offered scholarships. Once was a runner-up in a spelling bee.

However.

Yesterday, I picked up Dan Brown's "The Lost Symbol" from the library. It's a continuation of "The Da Vinci Code" and "Angels and Demons." There is such a high demand for this book, that they've only given me one week to read it. Good thing it's a holiday week and completely dead at work. The only thing is that I wish I would have checked out a fricking dictionary to go along with it.

Seriously. Who knows what noetic science is? How about the definition of a demigod? What's a femtosecond comb? Where is the Araf and how does one get out of it? I am only on page 83, and I have a big old honking headache, caused by lack of knowledge of five dollar vocabulary words.

Nov. 24 Blast from the Past

2009-11-24T08:05:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned that Queen is my all-time favorite band? They may be horribly campy, but their beats and bass line stood the test of time. They're sampled in so many songs. I remember in middle school someone saying to me, "Queen? They suck. Digable Planets is the best." After this many years, I have to say one thing: "Who?" I think I've been proven right. They are a staple at sporting events, and in my vehicles. It really is a shame that Freddie Mercury died of AIDS, but maybe he brought some more attention to the disease? Anyway, today is the 18th anniversary of his death, so fitting that I proclaim today a Queen blog day.

My favorite song is Radio Gaga. Here they are at Live Aid 1985. Check out the crowd, clapping in unison. Can you imagine anyone these days filling up Wembley and having that sort of reaction?

Quinn is actually named after Queen. I could have named her Mercury, but that's a little out there for me. Russ didn't realize that's where I got the name from, but sometimes the things he doesn't know won't hurt him. And he liked it. Her favorite song is Another One Bites the Dust, because it's fun to dance to. You should see the stinkface she gets when she hears it (you know, pursing out her lips as if she smelled something bad).

My ringtone has been Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie for years. You forget sometimes how many awesome songs they had. And I frickin love me some Bowie.

The most famous song? Bohemian Rhapsody, of course. I had to post the Wayne's World version, though. I loved that movie: the same hometown, just in a different state, and Queen. What could be better? Scha-wing!

Here's another movie reference with Queen (see? Queen is so pervasive). My favorite movie. Of. All. Time. Shaun of the Dead. It's a romantic comedy with zombies. Anyway, there's a musical montage containing Don't Stop Me Now used to kill zombies.

Frenemy.

2009-11-19T10:15:00.001-05:00

Quinn: Mommy, I don't like Peyton anymore.

Me: Why?

Quinn: She was mean to me.

Me: What did she do? Do I have to call the teacher?

Quinn: She wanted to play with me, and I didn't want to play with her.

Me: And?

Quinn: And what?

Me: Where do you get to the part where she's mean to you?

Quinn: I told you. She wanted to play with me, and I didn't want to play with her. So I said, "Peyton. I don't want to play with you."

Me: Uh, kinda sounds like you were mean to her.

Quinn: Oh, yeah?

Me: Yeah. They're TOTALLY going to revoke your award you got for being "kind."

Quinn: I'm still not playing with her.

Awards.

2009-11-18T14:40:00.002-05:00

As it turns out, my oldest, my Quinnie-Pooh, legitimately got an award last night from her school. I feel bad now for thinking that these awards were some sort of confidence booster for all the kids. MY KID IS AWESOME!

She got the Pride award. It's given to "those students who make good choices, are kind, organized and good problem solvers."

Damn straight. Okay. Whoever nominated her obviously hasn't seen her room, because it is nowhere near organized. She's not terribly good at solving problems. She'd rather sit on the floor and whine or tear up a little. I'm not really sure she makes good choices either. For instance? Wanting to marry the Jonas Brothers qualifies as a BAD choice.

But I'll say one thing for my kiddo: she's kind as hell. I've raised her to care about other people, and never make fun of ANYONE, no matter what. It feels good to be validated that we've raised a sweet, well-behaved little girl, and no matter if she never gets another award in her life, we will have this one to point at on her wall, and say, "Remember when you were the sweetest girl in your class? What the hell happened?"

Geyonce.

2009-11-17T12:58:00.004-05:00

What is a girl to do? I hate Beyonce (with a passion) and love Lady Gaga. So what am I supposed to think when they collaborate on Videophone?

Who do you hate but have to tolerate?

I need to cleanse my video-watching palate. Lady Gaga. Bad Romance. I know it's weird.

Dinner.

2009-11-17T12:41:00.002-05:00

Dinner has really become a struggle for us, as parents. The girls get along so well, that they're constantly goofing off the whole time. I'm tempted to make them sit in different rooms to eat so they stop giggling (which ends in choking) and running around (which ends in a bloody fork stabbing). Besides that? They're driving us crazy.

After they were goofing off running around the table and got yelled at by me, Russ said, "GIRLS! HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU AND SIT DOWN AND EAT?"

Quinn responded, like the true smart-ass she is: "At least a couple more, Daddy."

Eventually, Quinn ate everything on her plate. I had made Swiss Steak, mashed potatoes, and corn. I was very proud of her, so when she asked if she could have a sucker out of her Halloween candy as dessert, I said, "Of course. Thank you for eating." Zoey took that to mean she could have one too, despite the fact that she hadn't eaten anything on her plate. I said, "No way Zoey. You have to eat your entire dinner to get candy. Put. The. Pumpkin. Down."

Zoey crossed her arms, stuck out her pouty bottom lip, and just started Rainman-ing it, "MOMMY MAKE WOEY MAD!" Over and over and over again. Suck it up, sweetheart.

I'm wondering what I should do to make dinnertime go a little easier. Bungee cord them to their chairs? Only serve them pizza? Separate them? Staggered dinner times? Because we're about to lose our damn minds. Oh, lord. Pretty soon we'll add Cooper to the mix.

How many marriages?

2009-11-17T12:36:00.002-05:00

I think I need to worry about Quinnie. Last night, when we were driving to get our haircuts, we had the following conversation:

Me: So, Quinnie. Any new boyfriends I need to know about?

Quinn: Well, I'm going to marry the Jonas brothers first. All three of them. Then I think I might marry Daddy.

Me: We might live in Kentucky, but we're not originally from here. You can't marry family members. We're not the Mama's and the Papa's here.

Quinn: I don't know what that means. Cooper's out too?

Me: Most definitely. Can't marry your brother.

Quinn: Alright. Well, after the Jonas brothers, I think I'll marry Ian, Domenick, and Lyndon. Maybe Logan. I haven't decided.

Me: You are totally going to skew the divorce statistics.

Quinn: Huh?

Me: You can't marry all those boys. I think it's illegal in most states. You have to pick one and try and stay with him for the rest of your life.

Quinn: Really?

Me: Uh, yeah. Plus, your dad and I can't afford that many weddings.

Quinn: Alright. I'll have to think about this one, then.

Weddings.

2009-11-17T11:01:00.001-05:00

The other night, Russ came into the living room where I was (of course) online, and held out my engagement ring, and said, "Will you marry me all over again?"

I hesitated. Not because I wouldn't marry him again, but because I was terrified of him wanting to renew our vows or something. Luckily, he was just being cute. Thank god. I, in turn, was also cute and told him, "Sure, but you'll need to buy me a new ring with a bigger diamond that will fit my new post-pregnancy fat fingers better."

I seriously hate weddings.

I'm sorry if you're getting married or recently got married, but I loathe weddings. There are a lot of people that I feel get married for the actual wedding experience, rather than wanting to get married. Seriously people - just have a big ass party. In the end, what changes when you get married? You have a ring to wear and a piece of paper that entitles you to change your name. Maybe it's a bigger sign of commitment to just live together and be able to say, "Hey. We could get married, but we're staying together because we want to, rather than the fact that there's a piece of paper that forces us to." It's just funny to me that people are so obsessed with getting married. Let's put it this way: if you're a bride saying, "My wedding" instead of "Our wedding" or "I'm getting married" instead of "We're getting married," you don't actually want to be married. You want the party.

In the end, though, I think my cousin Chris and his wife Blynn had the right idea. Fly to Mexico, get married at the edge of a cliff with no one else there - just the two of them, because they wanted to be married to each other. Of course, Mexico has weird laws, so they still had to get married at the courthouse, and Blynn was late because she had to pick up a dead body (did I mention she owns a funeral home?). Oh crap. Lost that damn train of thought again. Oh, right. Married. On a beach. Legal or not, I think it's the right way to go.

When Russ and I got married, I didn't do much for the wedding. I kind of threw all that on Mom (thanks, Mom!). She did a lot of it. I just procrastinated so much. I just wanted to be married to Russ. I could care less about having the big ceremony. I didn't so much care about the big white dress. I really didn't care if anyone was there, except for my parents and my brother. I just wanted to be married and start popping out the young'uns. Because you know I am Catholic, and had to be married first. But seriously, my granny and my uncle were gone, so what would it have hurt to just fly a few people to an island somewhere? Of course, we did the whole shindig. We got married in a friend's church (even though we are not churchy AT ALL). We had our reception at the hall in the local park, and had a kickass drunken party. My dress was awesome (and super-cheap - got it at a sample sale warehouse). The food was decent. The alcohol was even better. My cake was cute, even though most of it went up my nose. Thanks, Russ.

You know, we got married "Til Death Do Us Part." The way Russ has been choking lately, there's a possibility that could be sooner rather than later (seriously Russ, I know I'm a good cook, but stop inhaling the food and chew it up. I've made plenty. It will still be there). But you know what (Russ are you reading this)? I will NEVER have another wedding. Russ will have no need to haunt me. It ain't happening. And if the kids ever think it will be "cute" to plan a surprise vow renewal for one of our anniversaries, I will disown them. Are we clear?

Nov. 17 Blast from the Plast

2009-11-17T08:15:00.000-05:00

Blondie is playing Grand Victoria casino this weekend, but really: who in their right mind is going to pay $79 a seat to see Blondie? Not me. It's YouTube for me, bitches.

Rapture. Sorry, no embedding. First white girl rap.

One Way or Another

Call Me

One of their newer songs I like: Maria.

White.

2009-11-15T19:11:00.003-05:00

Russ: Hey, Ang - watch this video on America's Funniest!

Angie: Why? What's going on?

Russ: Her water just broke. AT HER OWN WEDDING!

Angie: Nothing like waiting til the last minute, huh?

Russ: More importantly...should she really have been wearing white?

She hates her mother.

2009-11-13T15:12:00.002-05:00

I'm convinced that Quinn hates me and wants to kill me in her sleep. Evidence? I don't need no stinking evidence. But if you must have some, check out the convo I had with her last night:

Quinn: Mommy, I love the Junas brothers.

Me: Who are the Junas brothers?

Quinn: You know who the Junas brothers are. There are three of them?

Me: Oh, you mean the Jonas brothers!

Quinn: Yeah, the Junas brothers.

Me: Who told you about THEM? Haven't I been shoving enough classic rock down your throat?

Quinn: I love them, Mommy.

Me: No you don't.

Quinn: Yes I do. I'm going to marry them someday.

Me: Which one? Joe? Dave? Sneezy?

Quinn: All of them.

Me: You're going to marry all three Jonas brothers.

Quinn: Yup. And I'm going to kiss them ALL THE TIME.

Me: Hey, Russ. Can you come here and pull this knife out of my back? I think she just stuck it in a nerve.

Vacay plans.

2009-11-11T15:04:00.002-05:00

Joy, oh joy. Russ got Quinn's spring break off of work (he has to bid on his vacation). As of January 1, I too get a week vacation. So, we're trying to figure out where to go. We have a bunch of options, but no clear cut decision. We really don't want to spend too much money (we'll be using tax refunds and we would like to save a good portion). The key to all of this is that we want to go to the beach. It will be the second week in April, so hopefully the weather will cooperate. We'll be driving the van (there is no way we're flying with three kids under the age of 6). We also want to go someplace that has stuff to do with the kids. Here are some of the options. Feel free to give me some ideas of what to do in various places, where to stay (economically), and suggestions of places I don't have... Oh, and we want to stay in a hotel on the beach (in Florida we could stay with Russ' grandparents or cousins, but we want to be able to make a mess and leave it there, and we can't do that to family. We could, but then they might not like us much!)

1. Clearwater, Florida. It's near my husband's grandparents and my godmother. Problem: there are FISH in the water there, and I know the girls will scream like...well... little girls and refuse to go in the water.

2. Orlando, Florida. It's near Russ' cousin's family. It's near Disney. However, I have a feeling if we have to pay full price for Disney, I might feel as if I've been raped. It's $73 a person! Per day! Not near the beach, either. We could stay at Daytona, but Russ doesn't like that because you can drive on the beach, and we don't want the kids getting hit by a car. Near Universal ($79?!?!?). Near Kennedy Space Center, which I love, but I'm guessing the kids would be bored. Lots of stuff to do, but it's EXPENSIVE.

3. Charleston, South Carolina. Lots of recommendations on this one. I've looked into it a bit, and we've got an Aquarium, a Children's Museum, and Fort Sumter, plus the beach...

4. Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. We vacationed there as a kid, and I loved it. We went with the Buchers and the Herzogs, and had a blast. I have a feeling it will be a little insane during Spring Break though...

5. Jacksonville, Florida. I don't know much about it, except that there's a beach, and it's on our reciprocal zoo list, so we can show our zoo membership card and get in for half price.

6. The Outer Banks, North Carolina. The Roanoke Island Aquarium is on our reciprocal list too, and it would be completely free. Otherwise, I know nothing.

7. Gulf Shores, Alabama. Problem? I HATE ALABAMA. Only because it's the longest state between here and Florida.

8. Panama City, Florida. We went there when I was in high school. I put Sun-in on my hair, and came back looking like a freak. The water was a bit dirty, and we stayed in the trashiest condo (which I of course picked out due to the awesome pool. That I didn't go in.) Probably stupid crazy at Spring Break.

9. Sanibel Island, Florida. Probably expensive and the furthest from home.

10. Tybee Island/Savannah, Georgia. Not sure what to do there, except possibly fight off Hannah Montana fans (she filmed a movie there recently). Tweens are probably scheduling their jihad for that week. My cousins live outside of Atlanta, though, so we could visit...

11. Wilmington, North Carolina. Is it so far fetched that I would want to visit Dawson's Creek?

12. Hilton Head, South Carolina. I know nothing, except people always bring back a bumper sticker.

13. Staycation? Quinn really wants to go to the beach, though, and get goggles to swim in the ocean. And I know I'm going to want a tan (because you know I'm one of those people you hate who will get a tan in April, and keep it through October).

Alright.....go with ideas!

Baby Learning.

2009-11-10T09:39:00.003-05:00

Cooper's getting awfully big. :( He's almost four months old. He's learning a lot.

1. He's learning how to take the cutest pictures EVER.

2. He's learned how to kick my arm and my laptop when I'm online so I PUT THAT THING DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION TO HIM. Hold on Coop. I've got something to finish. Oh, crap. There went the mouse.

3. He's learned to blow raspberries. Of course, a person who doesn't know him very well would think that he's sneezing because he has to shut his eyes real tight and tense his whole body when he does one, but rest assured, they're raspberries. I know they are, because that seems to be what my mom's been teaching him. It's a good skill to have, though. You've got to have a way to show derision before you can talk or write. Oh, Coop. Don't you raspberry me. I'll be done in a minute.

4. And the most frustrating thing he's learned? Well, he loves to play peekaboo. He'll play it with a blanket, or a burp cloth, or his favorite is a toy I got him before he was born (a little stuffed cow attached to a super soft blanky). The problem with the peekaboo? He's got the peek down, but not so much with the boo. Basically, he's awesome at covering up his face. He just cannot figure out for the life of him how to get the damn thing OFF his face. We have to watch him constantly, because the kid nearly suffocates himself to play a game. Can't wait to see what he does when we sign him up for football in a few years.

Piggy flu.

2009-11-10T09:03:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm finally feeling well enough to tell you about coming down with H1N1.

Last Friday, my co-worker was feeling really sick. It had hit him out of the blue the night before, and when he came in (lord knows why he did), he was dizzy and had chills and looked like death. Wouldn't you know it? The day before he had come in the office and sat down at the counter for a bit, and put his Mt. Dew in the office fridge, so BAM! Friday night? I started to come down with it too.

Friday night, I just started coughing a lot. I thought I was allergic to something I had eaten. I got these multi-grain sandwich thin things and put turkey and avocado on them, but I couldn't finish the sandwich because I was coughing so hard. I ended up going to bed early, because I felt really exhausted.

The next morning, I could barely move. I was achy, and coughing a lot, and just desperately wanted to go back to sleep. I knew that I could have called my mom and had her work for me, but I also knew she had a lot to do (they're painting the whole interior of their house) and I wasn't about to call her if I just had a little bit of a cold. So, I went to work (wearing a sweat pants equivalent, I might add - I didn't give two shits about how I looked). On the way, I ran into the library to pick up a book I had held, and I was dizzy as hell. I thought to myself, "Oh, crap. What if I have what Denis had?"

When I got to work, I called my boss and told him I didn't feel very good, and I think I had what Denis had the day before. "Well, you know he went to the doctor, and he has the swine flu." Oh, crap. I told him I didn't have that, but to stay away, just in case (by the way...how great is my job that I can tell my boss that he shouldn't come to work?). I told a couple of customers not to come in the office so I wouldn't get them sick. Just the ones I like though. I chatted up the ones who were being assholes. (Honestly? Why would they think that we were selling gas in the middle of November? I know it was nice outside, but you shouldn't really be boating.)

Anyway, as the day went on, I got sicker and sicker. I started to get really bad chills, and put on my sweater. At one point, I found myself curled up in a rather small office chair, hugging the back, slightly moaning. Then I looked up at the clock and realized I had only been at work for two hours, and had five more to go. I called my Mom and asked her to come relieve me, because I was going to the urgent care. My boss told me to put a note on the door and just go - Mom would be there soon enough. Oh, and as soon as Mom got there, she Lysoled the whole place.

It was a bit of a struggle to get to Urgent Care. I was so chilled, but at the same time I was sweating. When I finally got there, I had to wait for the four people ahead of me to be seen. One chick was there because her boob was hard. I don't know why you need to know that - just struck me as funny in my delirium. Another guy was there because he wanted pain meds, and he knows the shortest distance between him and a Vicodin is an Urgent Care on a Saturday.

I finally got taken back, and my temperature was over 103. They gave me some Tylenol, and did a flu test. A flu test in which they stick a Qtip up your nose. Yeah, that made me real happy. I was feeling soo good to begin with, the cotton swab just made it all the more vivid. So the test came back as "negative" but the doctor said I definitely had the flu. The flu test apparently has a huge proportion of false negatives (depends on how much you sneeze and if you're sniffly or not - I really wasn't). He gave me a prescription for Tamiflu, and told me to rest as much as possible and quarantine myself. Oh, and the seasonal flu really hasn't started up yet, so it had to be H1N1.

By the way? The Tamiflu is a 5 day supply. 10 pills. Two a day. I have insurance, and we ended up paying $50 for it! How ridiculous is that?!?! The pills cost $109, and the insurance paid $59. I don't understand how they decide what's non-formulary. It's not like there's anything else you can take for the flu but Tamiflu. It should define formulary.

I came home, to find that Russ missed important details from my texts, and was telling everyone I didn't have the flu. I guess he missed the "false" in front of the "negative" and when I told him that doctor said I definitely had the flu.

I quarantined myself, and spent the next two days watching TV. Saw Made of Honor with McDreamy and McArmy. Watched Shaun of the Dead, Juno, and Sixteen Candles again. Read four books in two days. The girls really didn't understand why they couldn't come in and spend time with me. Cooper missed me so bad, he screamed all evening, which I think overwhelmed Russ quite a bit.

Then Saturday night, I kind of took a turn. I took my Tylenol every four hours, and all of a sudden, I had really bad chills. It was about an hour after I took the Tylenol and I had my dose of Tamiflu for the night, but I took my temperature and it was 103.8. I knew if it hit 104, I was SCA-REWED, and would probably have to go to the hospital. I had to strip down (I know - sorry about the mental picture), turn on two fans, and start sponging myself down with cold washcloths. It took about three hours and another dose of Tylenol to get my fever down to 102. That was hell, because I was having really bad chills the whole time.

So my fever's been going up and down for the last four days, but now it doesn't go over 100, so I think I'm on the mend. I still cough a lot, and I've started sneezing today. From the coughing, every muscle from my shoulders down to my knees aches like you wouldn't believe. I'm just really tired, and would love to nap all day, but wouldn't you know it? I've got three kids and I can't.

Russ took care of the kids on Saturday and Sunday, but he had to go back to work Monday. He has a paid holiday left that he could take, but I want him to save that just in case he gets sick. I had all three kids (although I had a bit of a break from 9-12 while Quinn was at school). I've been washing my hands and using gallons of hand sanitizer because I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if one of them got sick (although all I want to do is snuggle with them and give them kisses). I'm taking one more day off (today), and since it's a day that Quinn would normally be in afterschool care, we're leaving her there until Russ gets off work so I only have to take care of two kids today and I can rest a little.

So here's the take home message: H1N1 is fricking scary. I'm a very healthy (if a bit overweight) 30 year old woman, and when my fever spiked, I really thought I would end up in the hospital like all of those people on the nightly news. I've never been this sick. Well, maybe I was that one time in college when Annie and Jen called my parents to come get me because they thought I'd die in my dorm room from the flu. But otherwise? Nothing this bad. I had been waffling about getting the vaccine, but now that I've had it? Nothing that could happen from the vaccine could be as bad as having to go through the disease. Thank god I now have immunity from it. Be sure though that as soon as the kids' pediatrician gets their supply of the vaccine the girls will be getting it (Cooper's too little). Trust me on this one: get the vaccine. YOU DON'T WANT THIS.

Growing up too fast.

2009-11-10T09:00:00.001-05:00

I think Quinnie may be growing up a little too fast, after the conversation I had with her this morning.

Quinn: Mommy, Lyndon's my boyfriend.

Me: Oh, he is, is he?

Quinn: Yeah. We're not getting married until we're 6, though.

Me: Oh, really? You don't want to wait until you're a little older?

Quinn: Well, I'm not getting any younger.

I think she's been watching a little too much TV with me.

Nov. 10 Blast from the Past

2009-11-10T08:07:00.000-05:00

Well, my favorite Beastie Boys song is Brass Monkey, but there's no official video. But here's a live version at Madison Square Garden. It's a good remix, really (no embedding - sorry!).

My second fave is Girls, which I guess is totally anti-girl, but it's still a good song. No official video for this one either.

So, for the only official music video, we'll have to go with Sabotage.

Celebutante.o

2009-11-06T21:39:00.002-05:00

Remember back in the day, when I would TOTALLY rip off Perez Hilton on my myspace blog and make fun of celebrity's pictures and idiocy? Yeah, I miss that. Thought I'd do it again. Then I realized that if I did, since I have a public blog that gets a good amount of traffic, I could probably get sued.

I'll just go with making some random comments. No pics.

1. How much do I hate Mariah Carey? First of all, we all know the boobs are fake. You don't need to show them to us at every given second. I'm pretty sure even MY husband, who never gets sick of boobs, is sick of those. Second of all, going ugly for a film role only works for actual actresses like Charlize Theron and Hilary Swank. I'm pretty sure they're never going to give Mariah an Oscar, if just because they'll remember the shit heap that was Glitter. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that Precious movie will make some money, because if Oprah and Tyler Perry tells America something, we follow like sheep. Doesn't make it good, people.

2. Rihanna is on 20/20 tonight talking about Chris Brown beating her. Kudos to her for saying that she really hated him, and tried to make it work, until she realized that he made her sick. Anti-kudos to Chris Brown for saying that she should have kept it a private matter. Hmm. I'm thinking that when you beat a chick to the point where she sprouts fricking horns, it's no longer a private matter.

3. A-rod has a painting of himself as a centaur in his apartment. Wait. Two portraits as a centaur. After I looked up the definition (half man, half horse), I wondered what that says about him as a person. Oh, yeah. That he's a vain douche.

4. With all that money? Britney Spears needs to buy a bra. Can Victoria's Secret PLEASE offer her a sponsorship?

5. Why in the world do Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes still give Suri a bottle? The kid's three years old. My kids kick the bottle to the curb before their first birthday. I think someone needs to have another alien baby via silent birth so that kid can grow up already.

6. I'm sorry, but I still don't GET Beyonce. She wears leotards and high heels, and basically says she has multiple personalities. I can't say I really like any of her....."Yo, Angie. Imma let ya finish, but Beyonce has the best bikini waxer of ALL TIME!" Oh, thanks, Kanye.

7. I'll have to get back to you on the Gosselin's. There's Just. Too. Much.

8. Mini-me Verne Troyer just got slapped with a restraining order from his ex-girlfriend. Who is a tall model. Honestly - did you see Austin Powers? He could shimmy up her legs and really wreak some havoc.

9. Jessica Simpson said she's glad that her sister Ashlee is no longer on Melrose Place because the scripts are crap. Oh, yeah? Dukes of Hazzard. Employee of the Month. Major Movie Star. Yeah, I guess she does know what she's talking about.

10. Oh. My. God. Can Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson PLEASE stop complaining to the press about how famous they've become? If you don't want to be famous, the first step would be to not become an actor. And how about this: don't take a role in the movies for the most popular series of books since Harry Potter. You don't hear Daniel Radcliffe complaining, and he has to carry that stupid little wand around all the time. Do you know why? Because he's rolling in the dough, and can pay someone to complain for him. It's people like these two why I ALWAYS prefer the book to the movie.

Salty.

2009-11-06T21:30:00.004-05:00

*Little bit of a whooshing sound*

Me: Where's Zoey?

Russ: Over by the kitchen table.

Me: Zoey! What have you done?!?!?!

Me: Zoey! What did you do?

Zoey: Nuffin.

Me: Zoey? Did you dump the ENTIRE SALT SHAKER ON THE FLOOR?

Zoey: No.

Me: Yes, you did.

Zoey: No. Der some on da table.

Okay. I can't argue with logic. I just don't know how much you're supposed to throw over your shoulder when THAT happens.

Bad mood.

2009-11-06T13:24:00.003-05:00

I've been in a bad mood this morning. I can't even begin to tell you all the reasons why. Oh, wait. Yes I can. And here goes.

I need to lose weight, and really really really would like to go downstairs and work out to my Biggest Loser DVD, except the kids thought it would be fun to take the DVD out of its case and scratch the hell out of it.

Barring that, I could have got on the elliptical machine, but I have a little bit of a cold that is causing a horrible cough because I have chronic bronchitis. If I try to exercise, I might lose a lung.

I'd like a Mountain Dew, but I cut out pop. Because I'm mentally defective.

Yesterday, I told Russ that the girls could only have fruit as a snack or with their lunch, because if it's on their dinner plate, they only eat the fruit. So, when I got home from work last night, I made barbecued chicken, stuffing, and corn. Cooper started screaming (because he has this weird thing about not being able to stand Russ if I am in the house), so Russ fixed their plates. And what's on it, you may ask? Apple slices. And guess what they ate? Apple slices. Nothing else. I appreciate it when people listen.

I have been trying to get Zoey to stop wearing her crocs every day and wear the sneakers I bought her a month ago. She refused. My mom asked her once. ONCE. She wears the sneakers.

Why does gum have to lose its flavor so quickly?

When I got in the van today, I discovered that it was running on fumes. Which wouldn't bother me too much, except I was already running late. You know what? It did bother me. Why? Because Russ has Wednesday's off, and picked up prescriptions at the pharmacy, passing not one, not two, but three gas stations on the way home, but didn't bother to stop, even though there was less than half a tank in it. So, I have to do it when I'm short on time.

I thought it was supposed to be cold today, but I forget that I sit next to a huge glass sliding door, and it gets toasty in here when the sun's shining. So, I wore a work sweatshirt, with a crappy t-shirt underneath. Now I'm sitting here in the crappy t-shirt, figuring I'll just scramble to put the sweatshirt back on if a customer comes near the door.

I hate being responsible for bills. I've had to take them over from Russ because we weren't doing so well. Why couldn't Russ have struck it rich somehow so that we wouldn't have to worry about our checkbook? Or at least I wouldn't have to worry?

I usually read really fast (if I have time, I read a book a day). But the book I'm reading now? It's really good, but it is taking me forever. It's The General and Mrs. Washington - a biography of the marriage of George and Martha Washington. It's a good book, but I have to keep looking things up because I'm not clear on what's happening. I've been working on it for a week, and I'm afraid it'll take me another week.

This morning, I brushed Quinn's hair. Then, 20 minutes later, as we're getting in the van, she starts bellyaching because she wanted a ponytail. Uh, the proper time to ask me would have been when I had the brush in my hand.

I have to have a parent-teacher conference with Quinn's teacher next Tuesday night. I'd rather not.

When I had to get gas this morning, the woman at the pump next to me felt the need to turn her radio up on the highest volume setting and blare the Q102 morning show, which equals lame. I don't know what was so important about the traffic update that she felt every single person at the gas station needed to know, but it pissed me off.

All that's left in the kids' Halloween candy is shit candy like Double Bubble (which hurts your jaw after about 3 chews), Baby Ruth's (which remind me of the pool in Caddyshack), and suckers. What happened to the Reese Cup's? Oh, yeah. I happened to the Reese Cups.

Russ wants to take $40 out of our account to go play pool with his buddy this weekend. I asked why he needed that much, and he said it's because the loser pays for the pool, and he always loses so he always pays. I wonder why he doesn't figure out a new system.

I'm getting OLD. Luckily I still look like I'm 12, but at this point, I'm not truly sure that's a good thing.

Just a generality: I am so sick and tired of people being shitty to other people. If you don't like someone, then don't interact with them at all. Is it really necessary to bring someone else down to make YOU feel better?

I stopped eating peanut butter because it's so fatty. It was my favorite snack. I miss it, and that makes me grumpy. Someone suggested a product that is powdered peanut essence that you mix with water to make a pseudo-peanut butter. Now why the hell would I want to do something like that?

My carpet needs shampooed. That's not a metaphor for my personal cleanliness. My ACTUAL carpet in my house is dirty as hell, and I would really like to be able to put Cooper on the floor so he could turn over and eventually crawl.

I wish I had a MAC instead of a PC. In that same vein, I'd prefer the iPhone to my Crackberry and an iPod to whatever the hell I have now.

Now that I don't have any peanut butter in the house, I need a snack that's a little sweet that is still good for me. Can't find a damn thing I want to eat.

I bought me some Salt and Vinegar Chips last week at the store. Zoey grabbed Doritos. Russ ate them both. If he wanted chips, why didn't he ASK for chips?

I miss my friends. I haven't seen some of you in sooooo long.

I have to make that damn turkey into something by Thursday for Quinn's school project. Why don't I use the shredder and make the damn thing into confetti?

Biggest loser.

2009-11-06T10:06:00.003-05:00

I've had a brainstorm, that I think a lot of you may appreciate, because 1) It involves MONEY and 2) it involves you fitting back into your skinny jeans. Still with me?

A few years ago (before I got knocked up with Zo), we had a Biggest Loser contest in the department of Endocrinology at Children's. We each put in $20, and one person in the department was in charge of the initial weigh-in and final weigh-in. The person who lost the most weight won all of the money.

Can anyone guess who that person was?

Oh, yeah. I won that shit. I won it good, too. (Sorry Susan, Jen, and Lisa). I won about $250. It would have been more, but a few people pussed out and took their money back after about a week. The money came in handy, because I spent it all on clothes that would fit my new bod. Then I got knocked up. Of course.

Well, I'm officially ready to lose that baby fat. Oh, I'm not talking from my three kids. I'm talking about mine. From when I was a baby. Because you know what? I don't think I ever got rid of it. Hmmm....

Here's my thinking. People want to lose weight, but they just don't have the proper motivation. Yeah, you might want to fit into cute outfits, but you do have those comfy sweat pants sitting in your drawer.... Yeah, you want to not be out of breath if you take a walk, but you know, if you just sit on the couch and watch Project Runway, you won't have to worry about breathing..... You want to be healthy and live a longer life, but maybe you'll start tomorrow..... You know what the best motivation is? MONEY MONEY MON-EY. MONEY! (Sing the song, please. You know you want to.)

So, I'm open to suggestions, but here's how I think this should go down.

1. We pick a date, which I'm thinking should be November 15, maybe. That's the start date.

2. You send me your starting weight (honor system people - I PROMISE I won't tell anyone your weight - I'm in no position to judge. Trust me.)

3. We each put in $20 (and no takebacks. Seriously. If you're in, you're in. If you don't lose weight, then you're only out $20. With Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig you'd be out about a grand in the first month).

4. We have four months to lose the most amount of weight, which puts us at March 15.

5. You send me your weight as of March 15, and the person who loses the biggest percentage of their initial body weight wins the whole deal. (You HAVE to do percentage, because there's no way someone who weighs 150 lbs could lose as much as a 400 pounder).

For you skeptics out there who are going to say, "But we have Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up!" Here's the deal: do you want to really lose weight? Because if you want to lose weight and keep it off, you're going to have to learn to eat healthy even on holidays and at parties. And even if you want to pig out on those days, a couple of days aren't going to kill your whole diet. Besides that, you'll have almost a full three months after the holidays are over to take off the weight.

I am the only person who works down here, or else I'd do this at my workplace. It's not really fun competing for my own money. Here are the benefits:

1. You're going to have motivation to lose weight.

2. You might win a lot of money.

3. Even if you don't win the money, you'll look and feel better.

4. If you do win the money, can everyone say shopping spree?

5. We can all motivate each other and give each other ideas (but not too many ideas. I still want to win that shit).

6. Plus, we might make new friends who are involved in it that we didn't know before.

I say men and women are invited. And I think you should invite YOUR friends and spouses and family members, because honestly, the more people involved, the more money someone's going to win.

Alright, who's with me? Any suggestions as to changes in the plan?

Wrong number.

2009-11-05T16:01:00.003-05:00

Why do people not get the concept of the "wrong number" anymore?

CALL #1: 3:03 PM.

Me: This is Angie.

Caller (area code from San Angelo, TX): Hi, um where are you located?

Me: On the Ohio River.

Caller: Well, I'm looking for one of your boaters. Robert Frasier?

Me: Nope, don't know the name.

Caller: Are you sure?

Me: Yup.

Caller: Ok, thanks.

CALL #2: 3:54 PM

Me: This is Angie.

Caller: Hi, I called earlier? I'm sure that Robert Frasier is one of your boaters.

Me: Uh, huh. And I'm sure he's not.

Caller: Well, he lives on a houseboat.

Me: Well, we don't have any liveaboards.

Caller: Oh, okay, thanks.

CALL #3: 3:59 PM

Me: Yeah. (I have Caller ID)

Caller: Hi, it's me again.

Me: I know.

Caller: I called the other marinas and I know he's there.

Me: Oh, yeah, who'd you call?

Caller: The Landing and Aurora Marina.

Me: Yeah, well you should try Tradewinds or Sunset Bay.

Caller: He's not at a very nice marina, I know that.

Me: Well, if you knew that, you wouldn't have called me. Those two are your best bets.

Caller: Okay, thanks.

CALL#4: 4:02 PM

Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?!?!?!

Caller: Um, do you have the phone number for those two marinas?

Me: Why don't you try Google? I don't get paid by the phone c0mpany, lady.

Sheesh.

Promises, promises.

2009-11-05T11:36:00.003-05:00

I have made my mother a promise. For the first calendar year since 2002, I promised her that I would not be pregnant at any point in 2010.

When Russ and I met in 2000, we quickly decided we wanted to get married. We moved in together within three months (slightly scandalous considering I was a senior at a private Catholic college at the time). We got engaged in 8 months, and got married two years after we started dating. After three years together? No babies.

I went to a new doctor, and he discovered I have PCOS. Do I hear crickets? Okay, in laymen's terms, PCOS is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Basically, instead of your ovary releasing an egg each month, the egg gets trapped in the ovary, forming a big old honking painful cyst. Because this screws up your body, you gain weight. See, I told you there was a reason I was fat. I'm also resistant to the insulin my body makes, which explains why I overeat.

What could I do? Well, it involved quite a few different medications, including one scary one that could make you ovulate. Alot. I could have turned out like Kate Gosselin (minus the douchey husband in the Ed Hardy t-shirt). Anyway, one month using the meds? Quinnie! They, of course, immediately had to check me by ultrasound to make sure I was only carrying one child, instead of a litter. So, I got pregnant in September 2003, and delivered her in June 2004. After 6 weeks of bedrest, I might add. You're welcome, Quinnie.

Then in November 2005, something truly bizarre happened: I got pregnant again. No meds. No planning. Nothing. Turns out having Quinnie may have caused my body to operate correctly. But not very well, as it turns out. For a couple of months, I was really sick. Not morning sickness sick. Just feeling like there was something wrong, and nothing could make it better. Then it happened: two days after Christmas, the baby died. I have never been through anything so devastating, and I hope I never have to go through that again. I had to have surgery because of it, and it was the most surreal experience. They didn't want me to have to see anyone who was pregnant, so I had to go in a side door, as if it was a covert mission. The nice part of that is that I went to a Catholic hospital (of course), and they blessed the baby for us. Although I found it pretty funny that since we didn't know what the baby was, we were referring to it as "Bubba." That poor nun: "Bless little Bubba, and welcome him into Heaven with open arms." Sure thing, Bubba! So, pregnant for a portion of 2005. Man, 2006 started off rough. I couldn't stand seeing anyone pregnant. It just made me sad. Maybe that's why I started off my relationship with my brother in law's girlfriend with a chip on my shoulder - she had a baby in 2006, but mine died. Man, this blog is like therapy.

Anyway, after I had my little nervous breakdown in the spring of 2006, we decided it was time to try again. The doctor thought that maybe my ovary had damaged my egg in some way with "Bubba" and I better try the meds again if I wanted another child. One month again, and I was pregnant with Zoey in July 2006. This time, they were sure I was carrying multiples, because I got big FAST, but it was just my little Woey. Pregnant in 2006, delivered in April 2007.

I TOTALLY planned on not being pregnant again until 2009 or 2010. Then little Cooper decided to be persistent, and I got knocked up in October 2008. Totally by accident. I was even taking birth control, but guess what: if you don't take them every day, they don't work. I know, unbelievable, right? We call him our happy accident. Who knew the only way to get a boy was to not try? I was terrified for the first three months because I hadn't used meds, and I thought there would be something wrong with him, especially considering how much stress I was under at the time. Of course at four months, they thought he might have Down Syndrome, and I had to have an amnio, but he turned out fine. Better than fine, really. Anyway, he was delivered in July 2009.

Have you been keeping track?

2003 (September-December) - pregnant with Quinnie
2004 (January-June) - pregnant with Quinnie
2005 (November-December) - pregnant with Bubba
2006 (July-December) - pregnant with Zoey
2007 (January-April) - pregnant with Zoey
2008 (October-December) - pregnant with Cooper
2009 (January-July) - pregnant with Cooper

At some point in seven calendar years, I've been pregnant. Mom wants me to take a good long break, as do I. I would like a total of 4 or 5 kids, but it's hard to have two babies in diapers. It's hard to get three kids out of the house in the morning. As Russ and I like to use sports analogies, we went from a man to man defense to a zone. We've run out of room in our house, and have even resorted to bunk beds for the girls. My parents are watching the little kids, and they're supposed to be retired, but we can't afford daycare.

Quinnie's not making it easy for me though. You know with each of her little siblings, she knew if it was going to be a boy or a girl? She would tell people, strangers mostly, "I'm getting a little sister. I'm getting a little brother." Well, in the past couple of weeks, as I put her to bed, she says, "Mommy, you're going to give me another little sister." Oh, yeah? Not with my uterus, young lady.

So, no worries: we won't turn into the Duggars or god forbid, the Gosselins. And my new year's resolution for 2010: don't get knocked up, for god's sake.

Award.

2009-11-05T10:54:00.002-05:00

Color me surprised when I got the following letter in Quinn's backpack last night:

Dear Parents,

Congratulations! Your child will receive an award on Tuesday, November 17th. Please plan to attend, so you can be there to recognize and share in the excitement of your child. It will begin at 7 p.m. in the cafeteria.

Your child could receive an award in one of the three following areas:

The Bobcat Award is given to those students who show a high level of academic achievement.

The Soar Award is given to those students who show improvement in their academics or their social skills or both.

The Pride Award is given to those students who make good choices, are kind, organized and good problem solvers.

Thanks for your help in advance for supporting your child!

Sincerely,

The School Counselor

So, let me preface my comments by saying I love my daughter and I am proud of everything that she does, even the fart noises. Russ is mad at me for bringing this up, but I'm a realist.

The first possibility is that Quinn's teacher nominated a few kids from her class from awards, and it's a whole school thing. You know, a few kids in each grade gets an award.

The other possibility which I think seems a hell of a lot more likely is that every kindergartner is getting an award as a confidence booster. If you think about it, every kid will fall in one of those three categories. If they're smart coming into school, they'll receive the Bobcat. If they were kind of dumb coming in, but they're a fast learner, they'll get the Soar. If they're not doing so well in school, but they haven't beat someone over the head yet, they'll get the Pride award.

Either way? Award. Woohoo.