You're tweaked.

Quinn: Mommy, I had a Diet Coke at Sarah's house.

Me: Quinn, are you allowed to have Diet Coke?

Quinn: No....

Me: Are you allowed to have caffeine?

Quinn: No....

Me: Are you allowed to have pop?

Quinn: No...

Me: Then why did you have a Diet Coke?

Quinn: I don't know. I was thirsty. Can I have a sleepover at Sarah's house?

Me: I don't think you're old enough, considering you're not old enough to say, "No thank you. I can't have a Diet Coke."



The rest of the night, Quinn was just TWEAKED on caffeine, bouncing off the walls. I almost sent her back to the neighbors to run off the energy, but then I was afraid she'd have another Diet Coke.

I've realized throughout this that I am, in fact, one of those lame-ass mothers that kids hate.

When my brother and I were kids, we had the BEST mom when it came to stuff we wanted. We got candy (although I wasn't allowed to have chocolate due to their suspicions of an allergy - thank god for my Granny sneaking me some). We had Doritos and Mt. Dew and Koolaid and cookies, and basically whatever we wanted, we could put in the cart at Merries. Looking back, we were really happy but it probably contributed to us being overweight.

As I've grown older, I've started eating healthier. I like ethnic food, like Indian, Thai, and Vietnamese, which are things my parents would NEVER have eaten. I don't eat junk food at all (although that's more of a recent development). I don't drink pop.

I've made the kids into little mini-me's, and here is where you're going to start to hate me. I know this, because I think Russ is starting to detest me a little, as I don't allow junk food in the house, and he has to sneak it at work and in the car.

The kids are not allowed to have pop, unless that's all that's available, and then it has to be clear pop, because it wouldn't have caffeine in it. We don't drink Koolaid or Caprisuns. They drink either milk or water. Occasionally they have juice, but it has to be 100% juice and we water it down a little, because even if it's natural sugar it can still make them bounce off the walls.

In the mornings, they have cereal for breakfast, but I only buy the kind that has reduced sugar and fiber if I can find it. They drink skim milk or juice and have skim milk in their cereal. Of course between the ages of 1 and 2, they drink only whole milk, because the fat in it helps their brains develop.

The junkiest thing I think they eat is the pepperoni pizza Lunchable they get twice a week as a treat for lunch, and I hate giving them that, but it's kind of hard to cook anything with a run to the bus stop and having to feed the baby, too. Not to worry though because I make them eat fresh fruit with it to make sure they get SOMETHING healthy. It gets to the point where Zoey just wants the apple, and just nibbles on the pizza. I don't let them have the candy that comes with it either, because those damn airheads are bad for their teeth.

No matter what they eat, I make sure all four food groups are represented. Some parents seem to think that there are only three food groups and they are caffeine, sodium, and sugar. (Don't hate me if I'm about to criticize you). I've seen parents give toddlers ramen noodles. Ramen has 36% of an adult's sodium value for a day. What the hell do you think that does to your kid? I've seen parents filling kids up on caffeinated soda and iced tea and giving them sips of iced coffee. Caffeine does, in fact, stunt growth. I can find a scientific paper for you if you like. It is also a diuretic, and can dehydrate kids.

Basically, none of Quinn's friends are going to want to come to our house, because I'm the annoying mom who only has apples and pears for a snack, and you have to drink milk, water, or juice with it. But I'm not going to worry about that, because my kids are healthy as horses, with great percentiles for height and weight, and their teeth are perfectly white and healthy. So suck it.